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Bittersweet

From the beginning of the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. The tech seemed to be taking a lot of time. Her face was hard and serious, and she wasn’t talkative. I could see the screen from my vantage on the table and it looked wrong to my untrained eyes too.

We saw a baby with a faint heartbeat. It is not as big as my dates should indicate, though. Its twin had no heartbeat. The tech didn’t share this news with us. She told us she was going to have a midwife talk to us about our results. Having no clue what was going on, I was reeling as we waited in an exam room. Unscheduled appointments are never a sign that all is well. And I didn’t take it as a good sign that the tech didn’t give me a keepsake picture.

The midwife told us I was pregnant with twins, but one has died and the other is hanging in there, small for dates but within the range of viability. On Thursday I have to go back for another ultrasound to see if the baby has grown, or if it has slipped away too.

I don’t know what to do with this information. How do I process that I lost another baby, but at the same time there is a living baby inside that is small and needs a miracle? I am waiting for the not only the other shoe to drop, but the sock and maybe the entire foot.

Yesterday evening we experienced the typical Denver summer afternoon rain shower. Hubby looked out the kitchen window and noticed an unusually vivid rainbow. We called the kids to see it. I grabbed my camera because I love taking pictures of sunsets and rare-around-here rainbows. I couldn’t get a good shot through the kitchen window, so I went outside to see the rest of the rainbow, bending across the sky. Right above it was another rainbow, very faint, but visible. I took pictures of the rainbows as the kids streamed outside to see them too. Tommy yelled “this is so much fun!” It was.

promises

I suddenly remembered the double rainbows when we were in the elevator, leaving. I don’t want to believe seeing the rainbows was an accident. More than anything I want to take the fading rainbow and assign it to my little one who died and I want the vibrant rainbow to be the living baby. I am trying to hear God’s voice in all of this and I don’t want to lean on my own understanding, which has proven to be not always reliable. Am I being foolish clinging to these rainbows as a Sign From God? All rainbows fade, eventually. They are not solid. They are beautiful while they last, but never to touch or hold.

How do I mourn, but hope? How do I make it through the next six days? I was desperate for answers today, but I got handed more uncertainty. This was a scenario I never pictured. I pictured seeing a baby. I pictured seeing an empty womb. I didn’t picture both.

Please pray for my little one still flickering inside.

June 24th, 2005 | Category: Life, Loss | 15 comments

The opposite of informative

My appointment was pointless. I had no ultrasound or exam. I’ve gone to this practice for almost six years and now five pregnancies. This was the first time they haven’t done an exam at my initial prenatal appointment. Their reasoning: I just had an exam in January. Um, that was for an entirely different pregnancy. I didn’t argue much because my stirrup-alarm was going off and I try to avoid them whenever possible. My main goal was to score an ultrasound. The best they could do was schedule an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon.

I didn’t leave empty handed. They gave me the prenatal goodie bag, full of vitamin samples, a copy of “epregnancy” magazine, another magazine called “Plum”, “Baby Talk”, a pregnancy calendar and baby development book. My goodie bag also includes eating guidelines, medicine guidelines, weight gain guidelines, and when-to-call guidelines. I have a travel tote from a formula company, and something from Parenting Magazine’s sponsors called “The Guide to a New You”.

Does a mom on her seventh pregnancy need all this? If they included a home ultrasound machine and a gift certificate for a free massage, that would be a goodie bag that is actually goodie.

In exchange, I left multiple vials of blood for their testing pleasure.

When we got home hubby put the gift bag in the garage. For one thing, the kids do not know yet and I don’t want them quizzing me on why I have a big bag with a baby’s face smiling from the side. The other reason is I don’t want to crack open “Plum” (which retails for $7.95! and makes me think I should start my own pricey magazine) until I see my little plum tomorrow.

I was really hoping I would have all kinds of news to share here today, especially an ultrasound picture. Just when one wait is over, another is beginning. Sorry.

***yes, I changed the title because it occured to me informative sounded better.

June 23rd, 2005 | Category: Life | 6 comments

Steps

I feel much better. Sometime during the night, the clouds outside began to part and break-up, revealing the swollen full moon. I could see our roommate, Joel, in his crib not too far from our bed. He looked older in the silvery light which cancelled out his pink baby flush. He was sprawled in his crib, a big 20-month-old guy trying to claim every square inch of his blue gingham-sheeted bed for himself. Where did those long legs come from? I watched him toss, push against his rails, nearly awaken (I held my breath), and fall back asleep. I realized how very blessed I am.

After a dream that also made me feel better (I talked to an African-American woman named Jamie about my fears—it was very vivid), I woke up and took a few steps back from the progress of the night: I took the last pregnancy test in the house. My heart beat like I was taking a test for the first time, instead of the zillionth. The “pregnant” line was a solid, very dark pink before the control line even appeared. Three steps forward.

I took a shower and forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair. A few steps back. Clearly, I am still distracted, still nervous, but not to the extent I was during last night’s insomniac meltdown.

June 23rd, 2005 | Category: Life | 8 comments
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