Ancient History

Follow Me?



From the beginning of the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. The tech seemed to be taking a lot of time. Her face was hard and serious, and she wasn’t talkative. I could see the screen from my vantage on the table and it looked wrong to my untrained eyes too.

We saw a baby with a faint heartbeat. It is not as big as my dates should indicate, though. Its twin had no heartbeat. The tech didn’t share this news with us. She told us she was going to have a midwife talk to us about our results. Having no clue what was going on, I was reeling as we waited in an exam room. Unscheduled appointments are never a sign that all is well. And I didn’t take it as a good sign that the tech didn’t give me a keepsake picture.

The midwife told us I was pregnant with twins, but one has died and the other is hanging in there, small for dates but within the range of viability. On Thursday I have to go back for another ultrasound to see if the baby has grown, or if it has slipped away too.

I don’t know what to do with this information. How do I process that I lost another baby, but at the same time there is a living baby inside that is small and needs a miracle? I am waiting for the not only the other shoe to drop, but the sock and maybe the entire foot.

Yesterday evening we experienced the typical Denver summer afternoon rain shower. Hubby looked out the kitchen window and noticed an unusually vivid rainbow. We called the kids to see it. I grabbed my camera because I love taking pictures of sunsets and rare-around-here rainbows. I couldn’t get a good shot through the kitchen window, so I went outside to see the rest of the rainbow, bending across the sky. Right above it was another rainbow, very faint, but visible. I took pictures of the rainbows as the kids streamed outside to see them too. Tommy yelled “this is so much fun!” It was.


I suddenly remembered the double rainbows when we were in the elevator, leaving. I don’t want to believe seeing the rainbows was an accident. More than anything I want to take the fading rainbow and assign it to my little one who died and I want the vibrant rainbow to be the living baby. I am trying to hear God’s voice in all of this and I don’t want to lean on my own understanding, which has proven to be not always reliable. Am I being foolish clinging to these rainbows as a Sign From God? All rainbows fade, eventually. They are not solid. They are beautiful while they last, but never to touch or hold.

How do I mourn, but hope? How do I make it through the next six days? I was desperate for answers today, but I got handed more uncertainty. This was a scenario I never pictured. I pictured seeing a baby. I pictured seeing an empty womb. I didn’t picture both.

Please pray for my little one still flickering inside.

15 comments to Bittersweet

  • The other Gretchen

    OH Gretchen, ((Hugs))!! I am so sorry the news wasn’t great. And sorry for the loss of another little baby. How fun twins would have been. I will be praying hard for you for the next week, that the remaining baby grows and becomes strong, that the rainbow was for him.

  • hamster

    Oh, this wasn’t the news I was expecting to read from you today. Life is so so fragile. My thoughts are with you.

  • JoAnn White

    Thinking of you! Not at all what I was praying for…..will continue to pray and hope for you and your family. Grow, baby, Grow!

  • moms_s_t

    Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. When I saw it, I fell facedown, and I heard the voice of one speaking.
    Ezekiel 1:27-29 Keeping you in prayer G.

  • Tracy (tjly)

    Rainbows are a sign of His covenant – I don’t think its foolish at all to take it as a sign. Your sweet baby will be in my prayers. {Hugs}

  • Kim

    My heart aches for the loss of your sweet baby. I am joyfully optimistic that the other baby will grow and flourish inside, becoming stronger with time. I am thinking about you and your baby often and praying for you both. I truly believe in 6 days, you will see a tiny poppyseed heartbeat, flashing on that screen, as a beacon of life! Stay strong, stay positive.

  • Joanne

    We saw that rainbow too! (I love Colorado.) We were coming out of the Rec Center from swimming and dh and I noticed we could see the Arc all the way from one horizon the the other-complete. Dh wondered if it were possible to see the entire thing. I heard once on the radio of a pilot who saw an entire circle of rainbow while flying. Dh has his private pilots license and would love to see that-something complete. Praying for that completeness for this new little one, for that little rainbow to grow stronger and stronger.

  • Ditto. You’ll be in my prayers.

  • stacey

    Oh my goodness…I am choked up with emotion. Tears of sadness for your loss, yet tears of joy for the life still there. You and your precious little one are in my prayers. I do believe in signs from God, that is how He speaks to us.

  • I can’t imagine what you must be going through. This is so hard to work through. When I was pregnant with my first, on our first u/s, it showed that I was expecting twins. When I went back 6 weeks later, there was only one baby. I’ve never tried to work through that. I think the pain will be too bad if i do. HUGS to you. so glad you have a growing little one in there though.

  • Shayne

    Rainbows are a sign of God’s love for us. I definitely think it was a sign. I’m so sorry for the loss of one baby and I pray fervently for the one that remains. Many hugs, sweetie!

  • Russ Eldredge

    You are definitely in our prayers! We have an ultrasound on Wednesday, to determine if our little one is going to have a severe heart defect that may or may not be fatal. I hope we both have good news by Thursday. Again, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • mopsy

    Oh no, Russ…your little one will be in our prayers too. How scary. I pray for a positive outcome at your baby’s ultrasound Wednesday, and peace for you and your wife as you wait for answers. Let me know, somehow, how it goes.

  • Mary

    Hugs Gretchen, I just saw the news. I just wanted to share that this happened to me too when I was pg with my SP. He is now 3 1/2 and thriving. While I mourned for the loss, I was overjoyed by my SP. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers…

  • reenie

    How beautiful! I found your blog through the comments at Danae’s site. I had to tell you, I saw a double rainbow (bottom one bright, top one faint) on 6/12, the night before my nephew was born. I took pictures of it, too. My nephew was born with a heart defect and while he will be fine, in many ways he won’t be fine. He’s a blessing, and there is hope and worry at the same time. It’s an odd combination. I’m praying for your bright rainbow, and hoping it continues to shine. What a neat story you will have to tell your little one and a great analogy to life.

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