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Internal monologue of a woman cutting her own bangs

Curse these bangs. Too long to leave hanging, too short to effectively pin back, and I have to leave in 20 minutes looking somewhat decent. Don’t think about it. No, don’t. Hand away from the drawer. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. FOURTH GRADE! FOURTH GRADE! Remember standing in front of mom and dad’s bathroom mirror with Amy trading a pair of dull scissors back and forth? Remember bangs that were crooked and long? Then crooked and a little shorter? Then slightly more crooked then more short and shorter until bangs were the length of Isaac from The Love Boat’s mustache? I looked surprised for three months and speaking of surprises, remember the look on mom’s face when she saw? Wanna see that look again? Go for it. Get those scissors. Hands are steadier now, right? It will be fine! Comb comb comb bangs forward. Pull them straight. Too short. Not short enough. Okay, looks good. Hold tight! Scissors, be sharp. Here goes nothing. What a great sound scissors + hair makes! Wow, there is more hair in my hand than I thought. Hmmm. Hmmmmm. Huh. Why did it all fly up? Why are they jutting out? Snip stragglers. More stragglers. More stragglers. Over here, more. Even it up. Just a little. More? Yes, more! More? Yes, more! Maybe the curling iron can help flatten them? Scary. Hot. Hottest setting. Huh. They look worse. Get them wet, then blow dry them down. What time is it? Must leave in 10 minutes? Sink water cold, makeup in danger! Makeup in danger! Set the hair dryer on hot and high. Ow ow ow ow, red forehead! Need concealer! Wait. Bangs will cover it. They’re flat now but look more crooked. Maybe a lot of eye makeup will help draw attention away? Mascara, where are you? Save me. So clumpy. Gaw, spider leg eyes. Okay, eyeliner. Thicker! Thicker! Eyeshadow, too! That lady at Sephora said deep-set eyes need white shadow. Swipe swipe swipey swipe. Huh. Whatever it takes. Lookin’ like a haggard cougar. Is there any hairspray, do we have any hairspray, maybe mess up the Great Wall of Bangs, spray them until they could hold a suspension bridge. Purposely messy! Yes! If they’re messy, nobody can tell they’re crooked and short, right? Spray here. Spray there. More over here! Just wave it around. make a cloud. Where’s my inhaler? Hair grows. It grows fast. It will be okay. Oh, it’s Archie. What did he say? I shouldn’t play with scissors.


4 comments to Internal monologue of a woman cutting her own bangs

  • Amy

    Ha! I love this. I don’t have bangs but I have a similar conversation in my head when I’ve gone too long between haircuts and decide to take matters into my own hands.

    I have no doubt you look lovely even if your bangs aren’t perfectly straight. 🙂

  • heth

    This is awesome.

  • Been there done that! LOL!!!!

  • LOL!

    One time I went to the local beauty school & paid REALLY close attention when the instructor was teaching the girl how to cut my bangs. You brush the bangs forward, gather them tightly together in a tiny ponytail & then cut them all at once. This doesn’t give you a straight line, but where the bangs are shorter in the middle & feather out to the sides (this is how I always wear them so they blend into my layers).

    Just don’t go too short!

    Still chuckling. We’ve all been there.

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