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Gender-specific Advice and Observations for New Parents

A certain family member ( you know who you are, padre) does not want to know the gender of the twins my brother and sister-in-law are expecting. This is your opportunity to avert your eyes and find another website to visit, like www.doyoureallythinkeveryonewillkeepitasecretforthenextfourmonths.com

Here’s the advice:

1. The fashion choices (alluded to in another one of my entries found here) are not as much fun as the other gender, but your little guys will still be adorable in whatever they are wearing. We have about 28 giant Rubbermaid tubs full of boy clothes that promise to keep your boys looking like pro athletes that moonlight as tractor-driving Komodo Dragon smugglers. Unless we need them. Then you can get your own boring boy clothes. Whoops, did I say “boring?” I meant “one-note”, “uninspired”, and “yawny”.

2. Boys themselves are not boring, one-note, or uninspiring. They more than make up for what they are wearing by being adventurous, loud, sweet, and affectionate. Your heart will melt one day when one of them refers to the other as “my bruder.”

3. Everyone always focuses on how diaper changes with a boy are dangerous. Don’t be afraid of a little fountain of pee arching toward your eye. It is sterile. You are washable. So is he.

4. I hope one or both of them will decide to wear a superhero cape everywhere you go for about a year. Be on the lookout for this tendency starting at about age four. I wonder if there is a genetic component in cape wearing? At least they don’t have a big sister to embarrass…

5. You are so very blessed to be welcoming sons. I often look at my little guys when they are huddled together and think of the men they will be someday. It is a priviledge to be allowed a hand in raising good men. Doesn’t the world need a few?

6. All the stitches in our house? Boys. All the hospitalizations? The boys. Closet-door breakers? Boys. Milk guzzlers? The boys. The ones who will cost $2,800 a month to insure on the cars when they are teenagers? The boys.

7. The big wedding? The prom dress? Not the boys.

Congratulations on the snips, the snails, the puppy dog tails.

January 18th, 2005 | Category: Laughter, Life, Little Ones | 4 comments

Growing Up

Last night, the phone rang for the first time. At least that was how it felt when hubby answered and a boy asked “is Aidan there?”

Hubby, ever-protective and probably a bit startled asked “can I tell her who is calling?”

“Billy*, but I am calling for Danny*.”

Gulp. You know it is puppy love when a boy has his friend call on behalf of himself.

The phone was handed to a blushing Aidan, who said hello. A second later, she improved on the initial hello with a more syrupy “oh, hello, Danny!” The look on her face positively alarmed me. While I love to see dancing eyes, rosy cheeks, and ear-to-ear grins, I am not used to seeing them inspired by a certain boy on the other end of the phone line. Boys have called her before, but they were just pals.

I tried to non-chalantly follow Aidan around so I could monitor the conversation and make sure it stayed on a second-grade level. They talked about the crazy things brothers do, the grocery store, what they had for dinner, and cartoons. Finally, I told her in a whisper that it was time to get off the phone and help clean up the day’s disasters around the house. She told Danny that she would see him at school tomorrow.

Click. The phone hung up, she danced around the house in her own world, humming like a Disney Princess who just met her prince. I half-expected animated squirrels and rabbits to crawl out from under the couch to admire our daughter and tap their paws along to the tune she sung so happily.

Ready or not, the waltzing has begun.

*names have been changed to protect Prince Charming and his helpful sidekick

January 14th, 2005 | Category: Life, Little Ones | One comment

Thud

Joel, at 14 months, will eat with a fork but he will not walk. It isn’t that he can’t walk. We have seen him do it. He has walked across rooms. But he prefers crawling, which is faster and allows him to keep up with the big kids.

Maybe he is just waiting for this handy invention to hit the market: Thudguard

When I first saw the Thudguard, I was amused, but now I am scared that some safety advocacy group will begin to lobby legislators in one of the more big-brother oriented states that the Thudguard should be a required part of every child’s wardrobe.

Walk to the playground a block away? Put on your Thudguard, lest you trip on a pebble and tumble to the ground. Get up from the couch to go to the bathroom upstairs? Wait, my child, put on your Thudguard for the trecherous trip. You want to go out in the backyard to play on the swingset/chase the dog/make roads in the dirt? Not without your Thudguard, young man!

I can understand that helmets are necessary when kids (and adults) are engaging in sports and activities where high speed could truly lead to serious head injury and death. I used to work with head-injured adults and I have seen the impact of head trauma in real life.

Walking helmets, though? If ever such a law is passed, if ever such an invention is strongly urged by hyper people on the “Today” show, I will need a helmet to protect my head from the banging I will do on the nearest wall. Or the fainting. Or both.

January 7th, 2005 | Category: Life | 2 comments
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