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A woman has a conversation with her decorative scarecrow

“Hi again!”

“Oh, it’s you.”

“You’re a bit dusty. You smell. Nothing a little fresh air won’t fix!”

“Gee, thanks. I’m not sure the past year has been kind to you, either.”

“Let’s shake you out and fluff your straw a bit!”

“Watch it! I think there’s a black widow living inside my sleeve.”

“I’ll leave the spider webs. Such a nice, festive effect.”

“That’s me! Festive!”

“Where should we put you this year?”

“It doesn’t matter where you put me, it will look the same as last year.”

“Let’s put you in the front yard. I’ll arrange gourds around your feet, and then when the leaves fall, you’ll look so cute!”

“Gourds are the only food grown exclusively to help suburban moms seasonally decorate. Why not bunch asparagus in a mailbox or hang cauliflower ears from branches?”

“Wow, the ground is hard! I had a hard time slamming your pole into the dirt. I think I might have a splinter?”

“Try having a wood pole up your butt.”

“You know, you have a very negative attitude for a faux mass-produced autumnal decorative icon.”

“Do you know who has a negative attitude? The dead people in your fake front yard cemetery.”

“Oh, really? I.M. Bones and U.R. Dead talk to you?”

“Yes, and they aren’t very happy.”

“Why?”

“For eleven months of the year, their grave is an orange Rubbermaid bin. They aren’t going back this year. They’ll do whatever it takes to stay out of those orange bins. I’ve probably said too much.”

“You know, September is not too early to decorate for Christmas.”

decorative scarecrow

~ or maybe he's just mad because his hat is an old ShamWow ~

3 comments to A woman has a conversation with her decorative scarecrow

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