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The Bare Necessities

You know you are crying a lot when mascara is coming out of your nose.

A little over three hours ago I found out that our sixth baby, whom I was so happy to welcome into our hearts and home, is gone. At a routine appointment with my midwife, no heartbeat could be detected on the doppler. So they did an ultrasound that revealed a fuzzy white baby, minus the telltale flicker of life.

I want to write this while it is fresh and consuming. I hurt a lot right now, but I suspect I will hurt more later in many different ways. Before I am rendered completely numb, while I still have a brain and fingers that want to type, I will.

The impression that is sticking with me the most right now is the sight of my midwife with Joel in her lap, feeding a Saltine cracker to him. We were sitting in her office discussing what we had just learned and he was very fussy. She turned on the TV/VCR combo to try to entertain him. Disney’s animated “The Jungle Book” came on the screen. The scene was where the bear (Balloo?) was singing “look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife!”

That was the moment when I lost it and began to cry for the first time. If only the stupid bear knew that it is not that easy and it won’t be, I don’t think.

How will I ever forget?

9 comments to The Bare Necessities

  • Joanne

    I am so sorry. No words can express the sorrow of your loss right now, so I won’t even try. Praying you will have peace through this all and know the kids will be so sad too.

  • Jenn

    I just wanted to let you know again how sorry I am. Your entry today brought the tears streaming down my face. Thoughts and prayers.

  • Kellye (bella_west)

    Oh Gretchen, I am in tears for you…there are no words that can possibly ease your pain. I’m so sorry. Many prayers and hugs.

  • Madeline

    Gretchen, so sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

  • The other Gretchen

    ((Hugs)) I’m so sorry. It is so close to my own story, I know how you are hurting. It seems so unfair and you can’t help wondering why, even though there is no answer. Know that I’m thinking of you and your family.

  • Shayne

    My heart hurts for you, sweetie. Sending prayers of love, comfort and strength.

  • Jenn S.

    Oh honey… I’m so so sorry. My heart aches for you and your family. Our thoughts and prayers are certainly with you… always. Love to you, my dear friend.

  • Stacey

    I know your sorrow and my heart breaks for you. You’re in my prayers.

  • R

    Hi Gretchen,
    We have one baby girl and are scared to try again for this very reason. Hugs. I love your blog. I am reading backwards as I have missed so much.

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