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State of the Family Address ~ 2013

Once a year, our President gives a speech summing up the health and happenings of our nation. What do we need to address? What are our successes? Failings? Where are we in history? It’s like a report card. Of course, it’s wildly political no matter who is in office. The party of the President applauds everything, the opposing party sits with arms crossed and eyes rolling. Luckily, I don’t have an opposing party. Occasionally, the teenagers come close, complete with arms crossed and eyes rolling. The only difference is the President can’t take away the phones and electronic devices of his dissenters.

What happened in our family this past year? Let’s hear from each department:

The Department of Transportation: We still drive two vehicles, including our giant Chevy Express van and our smaller, more economical Saturn. Both are running well, but everyone knows pronouncing the health and good condition of a vehicle is begging the transmission to go out and the windshield to crack under the weight of splattered bugs and bird poo. Our vehicles carried us from mundane places like the grocery store to mountain adventures and grandparent visits. We hope in the coming year to add another driver to The Department of Transportation in the form of a 16-year-old girl. Will need additional funding.

Stop before you send a concerned email about the location of the chest buckle, the pacifier, the lack of shoes, overpopulation, public schooling, or photographing whilst in a school pickup line.

The Department of Health and Human Services: Cough cough cough cough. Excuse me! It was a busy year for this department. One pregnancy and c-section delivery proceeded by three weeks of bedrest. Two appendectomies. Influenza, whooping cough, and the most memorable prescription fill ever of eleven rounds of antibiotics. There was trouble with Oliver’s early feedings due to poor weight growth, but he exceeded expectations and is now growing like a weed’s weed. Will need additional funding.

Look at this horrifying example of hospital food. Just look at it.

The Department of the Interior: An additional family member was added this past year. The housing situation remained steady with no bedroom shuffles or major rearranging because the newbie is still small and sharing a bedroom with mama and dada. Moving forward, it’s anticipated that three little brothers will be swapping bedrooms with the oldest sister, perhaps this spring. Painting will be necessary, as three little brothers might enjoy a room that doesn’t have pink and purple harlequin walls. Or, maybe that’s just the mother exhibiting narrowly sexist decorating views. It’s also hoped the kitchen can be updated with paint and a new table procured so the family can eat together without someone having to stand. Will need additional funding.

The Department of Education: Bon Jour! Six of the kids are currently enrolled in schools. One is in high school, two are in middle school, and three are in elementary school. The oldest is learning French and aerobics. She sings with the Advanced Women’s Choir and wishes her interior design class was longer than one semester. In the coming year, she will need to start thinking about college and what to do after high school, as well as prepare for college admissions testing. The oldest boy will begin high school, much to his mother’s dismay. She may be in denial. The three youngest children are not enrolled in any type of formal schooling, but this may be remedied with preschool admission for a certain young lad named Archie, who could use some lessons in sitting criss-cross applesauce. Will need additional funding.

The First Day of School, 2013: All the K-8 Kids...and Archie

The Department of Homeland Security: Two barking dogs who will lick you to death. May not need additional funding, but will ask for it anyway.

The Department of Energy: I will make a statement after I have a nap and drink a pot of coffee. Will need additional funding, regardless.

The Department of Labor: Jobs were added this year, including dog poo scouts and removal, lawn-mowers, laundry masters, and new baby brother rockers. Unemployment remained steady, with two individuals who do not currently have assigned chores. Certain laborers express doubts regarding their occupations, but those shoes aren’t going to put themselves away, are they? Will need additional funding.

The Treasury Department: Will need additional funding.

Actual prize from children's dentist treasure drawer. It's to remind parents that two fillings will cost $500.

The Department of Defense: We could use a new fence. The wooden fence on the side of the house blew over in a terrible windstorm last spring. Also, there are many holes in the backyard fence at dog eye level from knots falling out of the wood. They are short and can therefore see greenbelt walkers encroach on our border! Alert! Alert! Will need additional funding.

The State Department: Yep. We live in a good state. Will need additional funding.

Our home.

(I thought it would be fun if others made their own State of the Family Addresses. If you participate—and who doesn’t need a blog prompt from time to time, HELLO—leave a link in the comments)

8 comments to State of the Family Address ~ 2013

  • This cracked me up. “Additional funding may be required”. NO KIDDING.

    (Your security word was ‘kittens’. Why not add one today? Call it the update from the Department of Agriculture).

    • Gretchen

      No, no, no. The Department of Health and Human Services has a no-cat policy because of horrifically bad cat allergies in multiple people. This is a sad thing because the administration prefers cats over dogs. Ahem.

  • Heth

    I can’t even begin tell you how much I love this. Almost as much as I love Archie’s expression in the back to school photo. Considering firing up the old blog, just to participate. Maybe.

  • Julie

    You are brilliant and hilarious, and have successfully brought me out of lurkdom to say so. My anit-spam word here was LOVELY. Yes, yes it was indeed.

  • Melanie

    This post was priceless!

  • You are so clever, Gretchen. Seriously. I will participate. Not at this exact moment, but tomorrow. I think my Department of Energy is running on creek water and table fans.

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