Poison Control Operator: Poison Control, how may I help you?

Me: Uh, yes…my son just ate part of an old and rather stale gingerbread house…

PCO: How old, ma’am?

Me: Three years…

PCO: The gingerbread house is three years old?

Me: Oh, no. My son is three years old.

PCO: What is the weight?

Me: Just eyeballing it, I’d say maybe a pound and a half? Two pounds? Aidan, go get the scale!

PCO: I was asking for the weight of your son.

Me: Before or after a bath? Uh. About 34 pounds.

PCO: How much of the house did he consume?

Me: Well, he ate some of the roof tiles with little red and green round candies. I’m not sure what they are—roundish. Gumdrop Lane is gone, and Grampa Gingerbread is headless. His right arm is dangling by a frosting thread. Some of the icicles are chipped off. The starlight mint over the front door is streaked, as if someone has been licking it. In fact, a lot of the candies appear to have been licked repeatedly. The foundation seems unstable. I’d deem the damage to be comparible to a Category 2 hurricane.

PCO: Is he coherent?

Me: Somewhat. He keeps calling himself “The Big Bad Wolf”—is that normal?

PCO: We see it sometimes with petrified icing exposures. Gingerbread houses, in general, induce grandiose behaviors in at-risk kids, specifically little boys of preschool age.

Me: Will my son have any lasting damage?

PCO: With any luck, no. He may have an upset stomach for a day or two.

Me: So I don’t have to induce vomitting?

PCO: No, he will do that on his own, and most likely on a day when you have many activities and errands planned. Do you have any other poison emergencies?

Me: Well, there’s this fruitcake in the back of the fridge…

Last night at dinner, Joel (age 3) said, “Mommy, are you finkin what I’m finkin?”

I did a quick inventory: the Christmas cards need to be done will the baby sleep through dinner does Ryley have homework did Aidan find her gloves for caroling with the Girl Scouts mmmmmm tater tots are good with huevos rancheros I’m so glad I found the good green chili with pork gotta get those packages in the mail tomorrow and the Christmas letter really needs to be written pronto where should I get the photos printed this year should I use the picture I took on Joel’s birthday or try to take a different photo Lee said he needed to get work done tonight are we going to have time to watch last week’s “Amazing Race” would it be fair with Aidan gone all evening how many pizzas should we get for Thursday night should I ask Nini to bring drinks is Tommy going to eat his eggs we should do more to observe Advent I need to call the pediatrician tomorrow to reschedule Beatrix’s four-month-checkup what packages still need to be delivered to our house Sam needs lunch money and notebook money should I write a check or do I trust him with cash did I turn off all the burners on the stove is the dryer still running HEY he almost spilled his milk did Aidan feed the dog before she left the kids probably don’t need to wear their boots to school tomorrow because the snow on the field has melted when is their Christmas party and which kid’s class did I sign up to help with put Scotch Tape on the grocery list I hope I can find my good scissors mmmmm huevos rancheros.

“No.”