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Ancient History

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fog.jpg

It is 2:30 in the morning. I can’t sleep because I kept thinking of this picture I took during a weekend trip to Mt. Evans—one of Colorado’s 51 mountain peaks over 14,000 feet above sea level.

We drove up there this past Sunday. It was cold and stark. The only thing that grows up there are hearty wildflowers and docile flies. Snow never melts. Don’t step on the ancient lichen and listen for pica. It’s exotic.

Fog hugged the cliffs and obscured our view. We knew, if the fog simply lifted, we’d see some of the most breathtaking vistas in the world. But it persitted, sometimes erasing the road in front of us. With sheer drop-off cliffs thousands of feet down the drive was tense at times. No guardrails. There was no place to turn around. We had to keep moving forward slowly.

The road was worn, heaved, sunk, hairpinned, rough, indignantly narrow. Suddenly we’d come around a bend and see a spot where the fog hadn’t crept. Latching on to one such moment, we stopped here, at a small lake. According to the timestamp on my camera, this photo was taken at 12:03pm:

no_fog.jpg

At 12:16 pm, the exact same view (note the same people and the photographer on the lower right side) was this:

sudden_fog.jpg

It is amazing how quickly clarity caves to uncertainty. I wanted to pluck the fog off the snowy rock face like a scarf, but then I considered the obscured view has a beauty of its own. It requires trust and the belief in permanence. I couldn’t see the mountain, but I knew it was there.

Grimace

Maybe now is not the time to share a laugh my husband and I had on our way home from the ultrasound—but it is sticking to my ribs and it is making me smile. Under my new circumstances as a thrice-miscarrying woman, I have the ability to approach this storm in my life by looking it straight in the eye. Call me the Miscarriage Whisperer. I won’t be beat in the end.

As we drove home, I talked about how I will always link this baby with summer, our trip to the beach. Heat and light, strawberries and snapdragons. The calendar flipped from June to July and now to August. I told him I had been calling the baby Summer. He said it was a better name than Remmus—which is summer spelled backward. Earlier, in the waiting room, I read a little article about the iffy trend of naming babies things like Nevaeh, which is Heaven spelled backward.

Except I misheard him. I thought he said Summer was a better name than Grimace.

Yes. Grimace is a tragic name, reserved for purple piles of googly doofy goo. Summer is far superior. I am not a big fan of naming babies after times and places but in this case I will make an exception. She was Summer, breezy and intense and gone too soon.

Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.
~Psalm 30:5

There is more summer ahead, on our calendar and in my heart forever.

(regarding how hilarious we found “Grimace”…you probably had to be there)

Ultrasound day is here.

i love lucy