Horoscopes are a sham.

The biggest proof I can think of is reading the horoscopes of my children. You’d think, if horoscopes were true, the advice and insight would apply to people of all ages, incomes, backgrounds, nationalities, religions, and potty-training status.

Beatrix is a Virgo. This was her horoscope today, written by Bernice Bede Osol and found in The Rocky Mountain News:

Don’t invest a penny until every detail of your plan is put down on paper. Only proceed when you are certain your blueprint is devoid of flaws.

Too bad for Beatrix. The stars aren’t aligned for her to invest her vast fortune of bedraggled stuffed animals, hand-me-down toys, and Target clothes until she is able to master her fine motor skills beyond scribbling on the tile floor with sidewalk chalk. I try to decipher her plans, but they remain unclear. She claims the picture is a “kitty-cat” and while I can appreciate her viewpoint, I simply don’t see it. I won’t let her trade one Peek-A-Block for the lion she saw at the zoo, no matter how certain she is that it would be a good investment.

Things are equally as bleak for Joel. My little Libra (I always thought he was a Scorpio, but it depends on which horoscope you happen to be reading…again, not very scientific or exact) was going to have a hard day:

It’s nice to share your completed plans or intentions with others who might be affected, but don’t let them put in their two cents after the fact.

He wasn’t supposed to let me put in my two cents after he blew bubbles all over the sheets I just hung to dry on the line? Oh, but I did! I did! If I am honest, I don’t know if he planned or had intentions to create small circular stains on Tommy’s green jersey flat sheet. The day isn’t over yet. I’ll be watching him like a hawk, waiting to see the fruits of his other completed plans and intentions. If he tries to block my two cents, he won’t get far. Sorry, little Libra/Scorpio. Another busted horoscope.

Sagittarius Tommy’s daily blurb promised a quieter day, if he followed the sage advice of massive balls of gas hundreds of light years away. It’s like sitting on the knee of a cosmic fart, waiting for direction:

Although you’re usually of a “more the merrier” mindset, you are likely to find greater enjoyment in situations where you are involved with merely a few select friends.

Poor Tommy. Here at home, he can’t exactly select his friends. They come built-in. At school, kids don’t always cooperate or take kindly to be told they aren’t select friends. If Tommy could select his friends to enjoy merry situations with, he’d have a penguin, Mario, an Egyptian mummy, his cousin Ethan, the new baby, and a certain kid at school who goes to Disneyworld every year. Maybe tonight in his dreams this menagerie will join him for a round of merriment, but only before midnight…tomorrow’s horoscope might tell him to spend his leisurely hours with everyone he hates.

Aidan and Sam are Cancers. They are also very different people. They look like siblings, but their likes, dislikes, and personalities are in no way similar. Still, I am supposed to believe this applies to both of them:

Make sure that changes you are trying to implement don’t affect another in ways that, if put into practice, would be a disadvantage to him or her. Give the downside much more thought before acting.

What Bernice is trying to say is that if you are changing things that can affect someone else, think of how it could effect that person in a negative way before proceeding. That is basic good advice. I think third star in Orion’s belt or whatever was getting lazy and dusted off some advice from a 1950s good citizen leaflet. Who’d know? Anyway, Aidan and Sam are supposed to pay special heed to this nugget of wisdom. Should be interesting when I tell them to work together to clean up the kitchen tonight…

Finally, Ryley’s day as an Aquarius (did you know this is the mid-morning of the age of Aquarius, when the coffee has worn off, the kids are at school, and the birds have gone back to bed?) featured alarming advice. I don’t know about you, but I am rather upset to see that he was counseled in this manner:

If someone is trying to pressure you into a long-range agreement or commitment, be doubly sure that it serves your best interests. Don’t be afraid to reject proposals.

An almost ten-year-old boy hasn’t thought of this himself? He doesn’t need a horoscope to affirm most good ideas grown-ups have don’t align with his perceived best interests. My attempts to pressure him into regular bed-making and clean-sock-wearing hit a 70 pound roadblock daily. It isn’t just a September 25th, 2008 thing for people born between January 20th and February 19th. I guarantee he doesn’t see how clean socks serve his best interests on any day of the year.

Finally, I took a peek at my horoscope. I am apparently a Gemini. That means I am crazy.

Try to keep irrational emotion out of your conversations with friends. Even though your outburst is unintentional, someone could think it is directed at him or her.

Oh, but I assure you. My irrational outbursts are purely intentional.

And I do mean you.