Ancient History

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My new outgoing message on our answering machine

(said most cheerily)

Hi, you’ve reached the Lifenut residence!

Chances are we are home, but we do not want to answer the phone! We don’t want to talk to pollsters, campaigners, volunteers, committee members, earnest college freshmen, hired prisoners, or anyone affiliated with any political candidate or cause.

Your constitutional amendment is confusing and we know that you’ve worded it in such a way that my “no” vote will actually be a “yes” and vice versa. You shameless dirty stinking weasels. Your referendums are boring and petty and that’s why I avoided signing your petition outside the grocery store a year ago—because the last thing we need is to clog up law books and our very state constitution with minutia and personal crusades against liquor stores and black bears. Really, aren’t there more pressing problems to solve?

I don’t want to spend 15 minutes on the phone strongly agreeing, agreeing, somewhat agreeing, somewhat disagreeing, disagreeing, or strongly disagreeing. I don’t want to rate your candidate or cause on a scale of 1 to 10. I don’t want to join your focus group where you pretend to care what I think, while at the same time you try to sway me toward your issue and/or candidate. The free coffee in the biodegradable cup isn’t that enticing.

I don’t want a sign for my yard, a bumper sticker, a button. We try to avoid being the victims of vandalization and personal assault.

Can you count on my support November 4th? Maybe, if you stop filling our mailbox with pamphlets, post cards, frantic letters, and lies. Newsflash, scooter: We don’t read any of the junk mail you send. Not. One. Even from the candidates and causes we feel slightly friendly about. Every time I open the mailbox and see the words Gas Prices! or Higher Taxes! or She Took a PAY RAISE! on a glossy tri-folded flyer, I die a little inside. I may not make it to November.

Dead of infuriation overload.

Sorry we are unavailable at this or any other time! We will see you on November 4th at the polls, where we will proudly cast our ballots knowing we did our best to avoid the moronic circus that you, dear pollster, helped create.

And exit pollers?

Don’t even think about it.

27 comments to My new outgoing message on our answering machine

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