Ancient History

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Black days

To everyone who shared their hugs and prayers, who let me know they cared or they’ve been here, thank you.

I appreciate each comment and email.

I am doing okay.

Several people have commented or emailed me regarding anger and how I deal.

Anger takes energy, and energy is something I don’t have any more. I’m too busy with life’s big and small decisions, like which chips to put in the kids’ lunches and what load of laundry is Priority #1. I’m not saying this flippantly, either. I also think certain people find energy by being angry—it exhilarates. It is raw and primitive emotion and it can feel good sometimes to be pissed off. I submit that’s why there are so many angry people walking around. There must be a charge they are getting, or a payoff.

When anger likes what it sees in the mirror, it becomes bitterness.

Anger also needs a target. I look around and don’t see anyone with red circles painted on their foreheads. I could get angry at God, again. I’ve been furious with God—absolutely shaking with spite and indignation at what he allowed. Not what he did. Allowed. There is a huge difference. But those conversations took place after my first pregnancy loss, before I had the experience of smiling again or finding joy in something small.

Once I saw that I could survive, the other pregnancy losses were easier to bear. I know that’s practically blasphemous in miscarriage and pregnancy loss circles. I didn’t say they were a joy or a picnic. After my first loss, I doubted that I’d be able to taste the sweet side of life ever again. But then I did. Joy and hope returned.

So these subsequent losses have been painful and confusing, but not brutal or absolutely crushing. At this point, with four losses in the rearview mirror, I find myself not really angry any more. Sad, confused, fearful of the future at times—but not with a perma-fist shaking at the sky.

I am far from the picture of serenity and peace—but I would be without these losses in my history, wouldn’t I? People who cruise through life without tragedy or heartache find a way to complain, don’t they? I was the same way. Blessings all around, but still found things to bitch about. Now that I actually have something to be truly angry for, I find it’s not there.

It just isn’t.

I’m not entirely sure this is good.

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