Labels are for canned food, cardboard boxes, and medicine bottles.

They are not for people. The last time I checked, I did not have a label on my forehead reading “Contains 85% Water” with small print below that reads “5% Doritos, 5% Oatmeal, trace amounts of soy, manufactured in a facility that processes nuts.”

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Literally two minutes ago, my doorbell rang. When I opened it there was a man standing on our front step. He was middle-aged and wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He said “hi, I’m Steve. I just bought the house on the corner. I broke a tooth and was wondering if you have anything stronger than aspirin […]