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Skin deep

On the advice of the doctor who manages my body above my bellybutton and below my booty, I am seeing a dermatologist in a few weeks.

When I called to make the appointment, I was put on hold. Instead of music, I was treated to a velvety, but authoritative, feminine voice:

“Nothing ages a woman faster than a ghastly neck. Are you tormented by your own ghastly neck? Our doctors and technicians are here to help. With the patented LaserForkUltra, we can drastically improve your ghastly neck in under a dozen office visits. Ask about financing.”

Then about ten seconds of hold music jazz.

“Are your lips a shameful embarrassment? Do you find yourself afraid to live an active lifestyle because of underwhelming and most definitely askew lips? We provide friendly and discreet mouth-sculpting technology in the form of not unpainful pasteurized thermal lipil porcine-based injections. Bring the laughter and love back again. Banish the shame. Ask about financing.”

Then about ten seconds of hold music jazz.

“What are those holes on your forehead? Admit it. You’ve been asked this question by many people, including curious bystanders and your coworkers. Your pores are like the gaping maws of demonic harpies. We understand. Our doctors offer a wide range of pore-minimizing services, incuding Acid Scythe. Seen on Oprah and the pages of InTouch magazine, Acid Scythe is a celebrity secret now available to the general public. Formulated from the foreskins of yearling Angora free-range goats, it is the very least you can do for your skin. No goats are harmed in the manufacture or distribution of Acid Scythe, except for their penises. Ask about financing.”

As I listened to these messages of hope and refurbishing, I began to feel self-conscious. When I am cowering in my little paper dress, giving the doctor access to my iffy moles, will she be thinking about my tragic neck, my yodeling pores, my reed-thin lips? What ever happened to dermatologists simply being experts in zits and moles and rashes? Now they want to put acid on faces, inject goo into wrinkles, lift and hoist and buff and burn all that is a little worn.

I’m going to need a dermatologist before I go to the dermatologist.

21 comments to Skin deep

  • This post just made my night 🙂 Totally cracking me up…you’re SO RIGHT!!

    Good luck.

    Sarah’s last blog post..Sign Me Up

  • “Underwhelming and most definitely askew lips” and “Gaping maws of demonic harpies…” Oh my goodness, I think I am honestly going to die from laughing so hard. Hilarious!

    As for society’s, “Whatever you do, do not let anyone know that you have any physical imperfections or are *gasp* aging! Throw all of your energies into looking twenty until the day you drop dead!” mantra, well, society is going to have to be disappointed with me. Ghastly neck (and a myriad of other deformities) and all.

    Jamie’s last blog post..Baby, 539; Parents, 0.

  • jen

    Oh, do we have the same dermatologist? ‘Cause I’m always afraid she’s going to hold me down for a Botox against my will. 😉 Kinda frightening that she really has no expressions. LOL!

    jen’s last blog post..Lots o? Momma Bears out there?

  • All the while putting Goat Penis’s on your forehead, WHAT?!?…
    Hope all is well with the moles!
    And I really needed that laugh, before bed!

    Happy Mommy’s last blog post..Lets talk about Movie’s

  • Ann

    This was so hilarious! And I hope your exam goes well and those markings are nothing to worry about.

    Ann’s last blog post..Memememe!

  • Oh dear, what has the medical profession come to? Seriously. I try to see my dermatologist once a year for skin cancer checks and you’re right, I always sit on that crinkly paper feeling zitty and porous and imperfect. When all I really want to know is that I will not die from sun exposure!

  • It is truly tellingly awful that I thought you were serious throughout the first ad and halfway through the second . . . I also feel that way at the dentist as I gaze at the brochures of the porcelain-toothed elite.

    Inkling’s last blog post..To read, or . . . well, there really isn’t any other option.

  • That was hilarious! I was afraid my high tech dermatologist would be like that with me. But nope. He was very nice and stuck with my ugly spots, lol. I’ve had several skin cancers and pre-cancerous skin lesions removed. I go back once or twice a year just for a skin check. And no suggestions for helping my ghastly neck or other areas-and if anyone needs it I do.

    Joanne’s last blog post..Happier Times

  • Oh, too funny! You forgot under eye bags and arm woddles. (waddles?)

  • “Gaping maws of demonic harpies”…

    The whole post is sheer genius, but with this one phrase it scales the the highest echelon of brilliance.

    I, too, hope your “moleys” (as my dermatologist calls them, in a strange sing-song voice) are nothing to worry about.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Over and Out

  • Just curious, since it seems several of you have gone to a dermatologist for various spots…

    My GP always removes any questionable moles for me, sends them to the lab to get checked out, etc. Is there a specific reason you gals are being sent to dermatologists, i.e. a history of moles that are pre-cancerous or cancerous, or is my GP overstepping what she should be doing? None of my moles have come back as anything serious, so I’m wondering if it’s just something that doesn’t need to be referred out unless there’s a history.

    Alice H’s last blog post..Old meets new

  • Gretchen

    Alice H—Speaking for myself, I see an internal medicine specialist. I swear, I am their youngest patient. Anyway, I was there for something else and mentioned a weird mole-ish morphing thing on my arm. She looked me over, briefly, and said to go see a dermatologist. I called the one she recommended.

    I think it could be because internists don’t do surgery? Even mole removal is surgery, however simple. A few years ago I had another issue and they sent me to a surgeon after their attempts to cure me with meds failed.

    I wrote about that here. It is a really gross story, so read at your own peril:

  • edj

    Oh I do hate my ghastly neck and those frequent questions about the holes on my forehead! So maybe I should call your dermatologist. Actually, maybe I should go see one myself–but really for all those Saharan-sun-induced moles and freckles. Sadly, I will just have to pass on the goat-foreskin injections!!
    Awesome post, Gretchen.

  • Alas for me and my reed thin lips…
    (you are so very very funny)

    Rebecca’s last blog post..summer of the year

  • This is hilarious. Your ghastly neck? God.

    It kind of reminds me of staying at the W Hotels where you can forego a wake-up call and instead they wake you up with messages like, You’re the greatest person alive! Yes, different than the nack bashing but still funny.

    Post the derm’s # so we can all hear it.

    noble pig’s last blog post..Get Your Fat Pants Out…You Might Need Them

  • I have one of those holes on my forehead. I sort of like it.

    nutmeg’s last blog post..Little Lady

  • “…foreskins of yearling Angora free-range goats”



    Beth – Total Mom Haircut’s last blog post..Candyland – A Story in Photos

  • I am just laughing at this post. I heart your blog.

    Rach’s last blog post..lodging and a slew of colo*stomy bags

  • I literally snorted when I read the line about the foreskins. This is the best.

    Heth’s last blog post..Numbers

  • Angora goat foreskins?!? Sign me UP!

    I am not one to speak for the best skin care…I live in Seattle and if there is even a SPECK of sun shining, I’m basking in it.

    Amanda-VintageDutchGirl’s last blog post..Squashalisciousness…

  • Rae

    Man, Gretchen, that one had me rolling. I too would be a little afraid. Maybe you could request some soft lighting?

    Rae’s last blog post..Expressions of shock and excitement, as cheerfully modeled by my brother and sisters.

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