I will not be denied.

Yesterday I spoke of the Jones Soda Holiday Pack, which contains five different sodas. The flavors are Green Bean Casserole, Fruitcake, Turkey and Gravy, Mashed Potato and Butter, and Cranberry.

The Holiday Packs went on sale at the Jones website at 9am mountain time this morning. I was poised at the computer, ready to buy my liquid Thanksgiving dinner. The site was very slow, however, and kept sending error messages indicating that the server had crashed. The demand was overwhelming.

I mustered the troops (hubby and pianoliz) to try to get through to the site. Finally, and hour and a half after the sale began, I got through, only to discover that they were sold out–all 15,000 cases (limit 2 per person).

I did a little investigating and learned that SuperTarget stores will be selling the Holiday Packs as well. I called every SuperTarget in the Denver Metro area. Some of the stores knew exactly what I was talking about, having fielded calls from other crazies already today. Some of the stores acted like I was nuts for asking “do you carry the Jones Soda Holiday Pack with the green bean soda?” Imagine that. The consensus at SuperTarget is that they will be carrying it, but the Jones distributor won’t come around until next Monday. And even then, there is no guarantee.

The next natural step was to turn to ebay. Moments after the Jones store sold out, I found 7 Holiday Packs for sale at ebay. The highest bid at that point was $40, plus shipping. As of this moment, there are 20 for sale, with a high bid of $56, plus shipping. I could Buy It Now! for a mere $79.99, plus S&H. I can imagine the conversation with Lee tonight:

“I spent $90 on five bottles of soda today! Oh, and can you take out the trash?”

“Climb in!”

That scenario didn’t sound appealing, so I did some more investigating. I found the online list of Jones Soda distributors, with their phone numbers. There are only two in Colorado. I called the distributor located in Denver, but they hung up on me. The other distributor is located in Glenwood Springs, about 150 miles west of here. I gave him a jingle too. He was very helpful, but said he wasn’t going to distribute it because it is only for SuperTarget. He told me he was hoping that he could get his hands on “just one” so that he could put it in his display case. We both sighed and marveled at the situation. After hanging up, I immediately began plotting my next move: whining about it. So here I am.

I have turned into a Jones Soda Holiday Pack Stalker. This year’s Tickle Me Elmo tastes like carbonated mashed potatoes.

Since seeing “The Incredibles” this past Saturday, superheroes have been on my mind. The mother character in particular, Mrs. Incredible.

Before she got married and was forced into retirement by frivolous lawsuits, she was Elasti-Girl. Her powers allowed her to stretch to amazing lengths, to twist, turn, and morph shapes. These skills came in handy with parenting. She was able to break up fights by holding her kids 20 feet apart.

I could use superpowers, I thought to myself. But then as I thought about it more, I realized I have superpowers!

Like many moms, I have eyes on the back of my head. That is how I know who spilled their hot chocolate on the couch, and who pinched whom first in the back row of the minivan while we are cruising down the interstate, again.

I possess “smello-vision”. This honing device leads me to the missing sippy cup full of curdled milk tucked inside the folded stroller. The vision element comes in when I can deduce that the cup should be left in the mall parking lot because the sight of the milk inside would make me lose my Cinnabon. Which would be unfortunate. Smello-vision comes in handy when it is time to change a diaper and I can anticipate (before the child is ever placed on the changing table) whether it is a “one wipe”, “five wipe” or “entire box” sort of job.

This leads me to: Iron Stomach : Much like Superman’s Kryptonite, my downfall is curdled milk in sippy cups. Shhhh, don’t tell my archenemies. Otherwise, my Iron Stomach enables me to deal with the various liquids and solids that flow from children so freely and at moments that are never convenient.

I can see through walls: I can sit on the living room couch, reading to one child. Suddenly a “whoop whoop whoop” sensor goes off in my brain. A child is in the next room, separated by a solid wall. She is climbing onto the kitchen counter and opening the cupboard where cookies have been known to lurk!! “Get off the counter!” I say. About 15 seconds later, the climber, ahem, appears in the living room, looking pained and confused, no doubt wondering how did she know….? I just do, child. I just do.

Stoic-face: Sometimes, children can say some pretty funny things in all seriousness. The wise mom knows when to laugh and when to keep a straight face. I learned how to use Stoic-face the hard way. Ryley admitted a crush on a certain cartoon character girl on Cartoon Network. When my face looked amused about it, he ran screaming from the room, up the stairs, and into his bedroom, slamming his door for emphasis. I learned I should have laughed so hard it hurt, but only on the inside. On the outside, I pretend that it would be a joyous turn of events to have a cartoon character for a daughter-in-law someday.

Eyes on the bottom of my feet: They tell me that there is a Lego, nubby side pointed up, immediately under my foot as I walk through the dark 3am house. Too bad the eyes on the bottom of my feet need to be poked a little first in order to see and help out. They really aren’t much of a help, now that I think about it. Not really a “superpower”, more of a “mediocrepower”

Heart of Steel, Gold, and Glass: Somehow, all rolled into one. It beats for my kids, it gets broken right along with their hearts when they are hurt. It gets strengthened by them–their smiles, their hugs, their love. It is steel-strong when they need it to be, or cotton-soft when they need a place to land.