A new British study suggests that mothers who are pregnant with boys and indulge in a bit of light drinking end up having better-behaved little guys at age three than women who abstain from drinking during pregnancy.

I couldn’t do it, simply because I’d feel guilty. I feel guilty if I eat a deli turkey sandwich. Going to Subway for a sandwich seems scandalous and subversive—I may as well rob a bank and spend the money at a dive Vegas casino. Knocking back a mojito or even a small glass of wine would make me want to crawl across jagged glass in penance.

During my first pregnancy, I had a lot of trouble with false labor and sleeping during the last few weeks. My doctor told me to have a glass of wine before bed. It would be fine.

Did I? No. I wouldn’t even eat chocolate during that pregnancy because of the caffeine. American pregnancy police have done an excellent job making sure pregnant women are paranoid about the dangers around every corner.

I have recovered from my fear of chocolate, as evidenced by the brown beard around my mouth and the content look on my face. I am supported by this study: Chocolate in pregnancy keeps baby happy. Who am I to say I don’t want a happy baby?