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Oh. My.

We will meet. Our eyes will lock. It is inevitable.

Whether in the delivery room in September or someday in Heaven, I will know you and I will love you, always and forever. I already do.

The fastest known knee-buckler in the universe is a positive pregnancy test. Whether the news is greeted with joy or panic, the effect is the same. Weakness. Wonder. Tears. Fears. I think this time I said “oh, my.” My what?

My God! My heart! My history. My family. My, I’ve made myself vulnerable again to the scorching pain of loss. My, I’m ridiculously blessed.

I found out on Ryley’s birthday, January 22nd and we have kept it a secret since. Last time, I told everyone immediately, figuring their support and prayers would make the difference in the health of my baby and my sanity. It didn’t, of course, but it was nice to know so many people were in our corner praying for us and cheering us through a scary and ultimately sad time.

This time it has been a secret, sometimes heavy, sometimes as light as light. Not everyone is supportive or kind about the choices hubby and I have made regarding the size of our family. I knew the last thing I would need is disapproval or negativity. I wanted to get through the first weeks when every little twinge, pinch, cramp, gag, is more distracting than a rogue elephant. I wanted to get through the first weeks carrying around a precious secret. The world would be unable to intrude if I kept my mouth shut. So we did. It’s nothing personal, it was just between me, my husband, and God. Oh wait, that is personal… 

Pregnancy knocks us to our knees, either in awe and gratitude or in wild helplessness. What we do while we are down there contemplating two pinks lines sets the tone for nine months. My tone is “oh, my.”

I think that’s what I will say when our eyes lock.

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