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My brain is pregnant

My clothes. The kids’. My husband’s. The towels, the sheets, the Build-A-Bear clothing which gets mixed in somehow. All are buttery soft.

What is my secret?

I’ve been laundering our clothes with fabric softener for the past week. I noticed yesterday morning as I dumped a capfull over Ryley and Sam’s clothes in the water-filled washer. I am trying not to think about the non-sparkling undies they are wearing.

I put Pop Tarts in the fridge. I put my cell phone in the fridge, too. Once, in a previous pregnancy, I left my car door open. I got out in a parking lot and walked away.

It has been a busy, tiring week. The kids were on Spring Break. My silence can easily be attibuted to something I cannot yet talk about, but will on Monday. Yes, at Lifenut, you can usually bet I have some sort of secret about something. Anyone who still reads will nod their head in agreement that I am wise to not trumpet my situation around on the internet at this time.

All seems to be well with the pregnancy. I rented a doppler for peace of mind after our two miscarriages. The baby plays hide and seek and likes to freak me out. I only use it once or twice a week, but there have been times I have been unable to find the heartbeat. Of course this worries me beyond belief. The next time I try, there it is thumping away.

Is it possible to regain a sense of innocence about pregnancy after losses, or am I just going to be an on-again-off-again wreck for the next six (or so) months? I’d love to be the picture of grace and unwavering optimism as I contemplate a weird cramp or wonder wherefore art my nausea.

It’s a moment by moment, breath by breath exercise in faith and trust. Isn’t that life, though? Pregnancy and motherhood are teachers.

I’ve learned (again) to read labels.

12 comments to My brain is pregnant

  • You are in my prayers, friend!

  • You unknowingly wash Build-a-Bear clothes too? I always find a few extra tiny garments in the laundry after the kids have cleaned their rooms. Grrrr.

    Congratulations on surviving spring break week!

  • I used to worry my entire pregnancy and I’ve never had a miscarriage. I can understand your worries. HUGS to you

  • Julana

    I’m happy for you, even though you’re worried. It’s an exciting time.

  • I understand, friend. I had two miscarriages too, and it’s hard to see pregnancy the same way after that. As I would walk through those difficult early weeks, I took comfort from reminding myself that for THAT DAY, I was the mother of that little baby, and I would rejoice in it, whatever the future holds.

    As for the pregnancy brain, I can SO relate. During one pregnancy I was carrying a Sprite in one arm and our little dog in the other. I walked to the back door, sat the Sprite down on the patio, came back in and sat on the sofa to drink the dog! 🙂

  • I have found that with each pregnancy, I tend to worry more about the baby, his/her health, etc. even when there is no cause for worry. (((HUGS)))

  • goslyn

    Hang in there. At least your clothes are soft. If it makes you feel any better, I did this too, when I moved to England. And I wasn’t even preggo, so no excuse! For about three months, I washed ALL my clothes in fabric softner, thinking it was liquid detergent. (Honest, the labels are SO not clear there.)

    It actually got my clothes surprisingly clean …

  • amy


  • My sister and I always talk about that once you have had a misscariage you never get that innocience back.You know way to much and how many precnacies end with a horrible misscariage.I will be praying for you I have had three misscariages myself so I know exactly how you are feeling.

  • I am not pregnant and I put the pitcher of OJ in the cupboard last week.

    With Ethan, after my miscarriage, I was terrified. I was especially terrified because things were not normal–some of the same little signs that I had guessed were signs of going wrong were happening again, and I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t talk about it; I just sort of held myself in a clenched fist inside until I saw the ultrasound. Then I unclenched somewhat until he was old enough to survive as a preemie. But you never really relax all the way again, I think. You know too much now . . . but that doesn’t mean you have to live in fear, because you know what you can survive, and you know you are loved. One of my favorite quotations is from Julian of Norwich: “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” Ultimately, it shall be, and if you are well now, that is enough for now.

  • Gem

    After 3 very successful pregnancies, no problems at all, we found ourselves Wednesday night losing our 4th at 11 weeks. We think it was a blighted ovum — we had never heard a heartbeat. It’s so surreal. I can imagine if we ever find ourselves pregnant again (this was a surprise pregnancy), I will get a dopplar and check every other day!

  • Oh, I am laughing so hard I am afraid I am going to wake the baby on my chest here… I am remembering last summer while pregnant with this little one- at my hubby’s softball game I brought the boys to. We were all walking back to the van after the game and my driver’s door is wide open! My wallet, cell phone, and the past week’s mail is all on the front seat. Nothing was gone- the mess probably would scare anyone away! That was just one of the many pregnant moments! And, praise God no one was even in harm’s way because of my pregnant brain!

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