Ancient History

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Here is a handy quiz to determine if you should wear mascara today

1. You will be in a medical office waiting room. What is your visit for?

A. Consultation for laser removal of “I Love Tom Cruise” tattoo.

B. Post-procedure follow-up. The waiting room will be teeming with hugely pregnant women complaining about the heat.

C. You are selling safe and inexpensive pharmacuticals.

2. Watching childrens’ television makes you wonder…

A. Is anything creepier than a Doodlebop?

B. When did Sesame Street jump the shark? Clearly, it has.

C. How can Dora’s mom, Mrs. Salt, Miffy’s mom, Franklin’s mom, and Baby Bear’s mom all manage to have babies? Especially Mrs. Salt, a mineral who gave birth interspicily with an herb for a husband. Twice. And Dora’s mom—with her firstborn’s giant noggin, it must not be a picnic in the delivery room.

3. Someone asks “how is your summer going?” You answer…

A. My tan is deep and was achieved safely. We have visited numerous amusement and water parks, barbeques, picnics, and have plenty of time to sip lemonade in our backyard hammock. The garden looks like it will produce a bumper crop.

B. Too busy and going by too fast.

C. …

4. Whilst driving on the highway, the David Crowder Band song “Deliver Me” comes on the radio. You…

A. Burst into tears.

B. Sing along.

C. Wonder how your radio got tuned to some Christian station—David Chowder who?

5. When someone asks “how many children do you have?” you answer…

A. X-number, and you feel no pang in your heart.

B. The number of living children you have, but feel guilty for not mentioning losses.

C. “I don’t know”


1. A=1, B=2, C=0

2. A=0, B=1, C=2

3. A=0, B=1, C=2

4. A=2, B=0, C=1

5. A=0, B=1, C=2

If you scored…

0-3: It is safe to wear any type of mascara

4-6: Waterproof highly recommended

7-10: Back away from the mascara. Tomorrow will be a new day.

7 comments to Mascara

  • Aww, hang in there. You will be all right. Really.

  • Kelly

    Funny and sad at the same time – hugs to you!!!

  • Once again, using your humor like a good med.

    Doodlebops are creepy.

  • hamster

    Tough day. I haven’t seen Sesame Street in ages, what’s going on??

  • mopsy

    Sesame Street: it is now several mini shows-within-the-show. It all started with “Elmo’s World” a few years ago, and now it has Journey to Ernie, something about where in the world is Grover, etc…gone are the nice storylines and continuity. I miss the old skits that had humor even adults could appreciate. All those old Grover the Waiter skits with the bald blue man who can’t stand Grover’s terrible service still crack me up.

    Sigh. So much wrong with Sesame Street in its current condition. Our kids think it is boring and won’t watch it anymore.

  • hamster

    Wow, sounds like what happened to Saturday night live. How do you screw up Sesame Street? I’d say it’s the Republicans, but I know you wouldn’t agree ; )

  • mopsy

    It was Karl Rove, I believe.

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