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How to not buy World Series Tickets

Step 1: Begin plotting World Series Ticket buying spree weeks before your local team clinches one of the two coveted spots. Make sure to tell everyone you know that you want to go because it’s “a once in a lifetime experience.”

Step 2: Watch your favorite Major League team sweep every opponent in the way of your chance to attend a once in a lifetime experience.

Step 3: The moment your favorite Major League team wins the pennant, begin thinking of how you will be in those stands in a matter of days, enjoying your Once In A Lifetime Experience&#153.

Step 4: Pour through newpapers and online articles, looking for information on how, when, where to buy tickets. Watch jokester sportscasters on local news.

Step 5: Begin planning outfit. Worry when husband says the cheapest seats are mere bleachers, and the wind whips right through those seats. Will standard jeans be thick enough? Will layers be necessary? What about the Jumbotron and the possibility of being on-screen? Weigh the pros and cons of face painting.

Step 6: The day for online ticket sales finally arrives. Make sure donuts are purchased, diapers are dry, coffee is hot, and every available computer under your roof is connected to the internet fifteen minutes before tickets are scheduled to go on sale.

Step 7: Place your five-year-old son in front of the basement playroom computer. Teach him to press F5 repeatedly, unless something new with pictures of baseball players pops on the screen. Then yell!

Step 8: Open as many browsers on your desktop and laptop computers as possible. Explorer, Firefox, Opera—give them all a shot. Tab isn’t just a diet cola. It is a handy tool when you have eight pages of monitoring to do on multiple PCs.

Step 9: The time has come. Click, refresh, reload, wait, pace, retry, resend, regret, timed-out, error messages, click.

Step 10: Five-year-old son begins yelling wildly about something that has changed, come see, quick! Husband makes first of eighty trips downstairs to see Error screen.

Step 11: Stare. At the computer. At each other.

Step 12: Give up. Eat lunch. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Step 13: Learn the entire system has crashed. You aren’t the only person who didn’t get tickets. Nobody got tickets. Realize you just spent an entire morning trying to get on a website which had been crippled for a majority of the time. Seethe.

Step 14: Stop seething. You get to try again tomorrow, at noon! There is still hope for you to attend your Once In A Lifetime Experience™.

Step 15: Repeat steps 7 through 11—except husband isn’t working from home and the ticket sales don’t start until noon, which means making lunch whilst screen-monitoring. Slice cheese in kitchen. Run around corner to look at screens. Run back to the cheese. Screens. Cheese. Crackers. Scrackers, cheens, chackers. Back and forth until it’s a blur of sharp disappointment. Or is that just the cheddar?

Step 16: Give up.

Step 17: Drive 5-year-old to Kindergarten. Note he seems especially glad to go and doesn’t fight when you suggest he wear a jacket.

14 comments to How to not buy World Series Tickets

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