Ancient History

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How to guarantee a snow day*

There’s a legend amongst elementary school folk.

The legend is whispered over worksheets that are blown away in the wind after school because why zip them backpacks? Never you mind, it’s just a dot-to-dot of Betsy Ross sewin’ the flag.

The legend is passed like an 80s note, all folded fancy-like into a compact little triangle easily held in a turned-down palm, away from the sweeping stern eyes of teachers who just don’t understand…

Give a third grader some chocolate milk and a good granola bar, one of them without raisins and stuff, and she’ll tell you. Her eyes narrow. She wipes frothy milk off her lip with her sleeve. “Tonight,” she says, “I’m wearin’ my pajamas inside out.”

You gasp.

“Pajamas inside out?” you wail. “Is it safe?”

She continues, “Also…”

“What!? What!?” Your heart can’t take much more.

“I’m puttin’ one of them spoons you got from Target under my pilla!”

“Now you’re playin’ with fire. Fire!”

She purposely blows bubbles into the chocolate milk, punctuating the air with sounds that recall the origins of magma in the earth’s deep, deep core. A shudder gallops through the room, faceless.

“Mama? I’m not through yet.”

You start sketching the simple pine box to be used for your imminent burial.

She looks at the refrigerator. “I’m takin’ an ice cube. I’m puttin’ it in the toilet.”

You start dialing Home Depot to find out how much they charge for pine boards and nails. “Do you know what you are bringin’ to our house? To our home?” you shriek.

In one motion, she tilts her head back and slams the rest of her drink. She opens the dishwasher and slides the pink IKEA cup onto top-rack prongs. She looks at you square in the eye. Square. Dead.

“And then I’m flushin’ it.”

Aligned: Pajamas. Spoon. Toilet ice.

Outcome: Snow Day.

*Or, simply be in the path of a low pressure system carried by the jet stream as arctic air dips into the west central US as an upslope of heavy moisture is carried from the Gulf up to the continental divide.

Who knew toilet ice could do this?

Who knew toilet ice could do this?

2 comments to How to guarantee a snow day*

  • Mom

    And that is how the legend of the snow day began and is now being spread via internet across the globe.

  • The trick at our house is to have your Mom (who is the PTA President) schedule a speaker at the PTA meeting that everyone is dying to hear talk about learning styles, so that the meeting must be rescheduled.

    Totally worth it!

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