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Finding February

This past Sunday the Steelers beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl. The outcome didn’t matter to me, but I welcomed the distraction the game brought. My second due date was Sunday. Rather than giving birth, I snorted at big budget commercials and ate tater tots, which I cleverly dipped in guacamole. It wasn’t an easy day as I imagined happier scenarios involving a newborn baby and what-could-have-been.

Here I am, riding on a Wednesday and checking out what’s ahead for the end of the week. February 10th is when I learned of my first pregnancy loss.  February 12th—the procedure. February 14th, Valentine’s Day, hubby and I bought my amethyst ring as a memorial and commemoration of what we had just been through.

I can’t help it. Anniversaries demand reflection and consideration. I can look back and know I did smile again, I laughed again, I had hope again. A year ago I wouldn’t have believed it—I was in a pretty dark place. Some of those same feelings flood back as I remember those days.

Wouldn’t it be something if I could travel back in time and hold my own hand as I lay on the ultrasound tech’s table? I could whisper in my ear, but I struggle to imagine what I would say to myself. Perhaps you will survive this. I would have jerked away and snorted something mean. I would have screwed up my own comfort. There is nothing, nothing you can tell yourself that is perfectly comforting and perfectly wise.

Thankfully, I have a Comforter far wiser, bigger, kinder, and more tender than I could ever be with myself. While I did startle at His suggestions of my survivability, and especially my resiliency, the assurances meant far more coming from the God of the Universe than from Magic Time Travelin’ Me.

19 comments to Finding February

  • hamster

    You have a tough week ahead as you contemplate what you went through a year ago, and what might have been. I send you hugs.

  • Julana

    I sometimes do that, too, look back in time at myself in the maternity ward, and wish I could talk to that person, and cry with her. So I do. It helps.

  • Hugs and prayers to you.

  • This reminds me of the goodness of God! It is a blessing to glean from the good things God has taught you over this last year!

  • Russ Eldredge

    You are truly an inspiration, Gretchen. You not only have a way of putting things into perspective, but your strength and humility is absolutely marvelous.

    Even when there are times that you can’t see it in yourself, others can see it. Your words convey it.

    I wish you all the best right now…

  • Thanks for providing some light at the end of this tunnel. I’m bookmarking this post and will remember to read it in 6 months.

  • Nine years and four healthy babies later I still mark the anniversary of my miscarriage. I will bookmark this page to share with others who suffer such a loss. Thank you.

  • I think it’s healthy to reflect. The people in the Old Testament set up a whole lot of stones all over the place as memorials to remember what had happened and what God had done for them. He has brought you through quite a year, your ring is a beautiful memorial.

  • Sending hugs and prayers your way.

  • Tina

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts… a gal in our Bible Study announced last week that she was expecting, and this week, we comforted her and mourned with her as she had lost her baby. I cannot imagine the pain… but I will send her a link to your site. Thanks.

  • My prayers are with you I also have a sad anniversary i had a d/c on October30 tonight for some reason I have been very sad and have thought of it often.My hormones are wacky and I started my monthly reminder that I am no longer pregnant.I love that I have my Lord to cling to during the hard times.I will be praying for you

  • My thoughts are with you in this time

  • I think something would be amiss if you *didn’t* reflect on what you’ve been through over the past year. Your strong faith continues to be an inspiration to me in so many ways. Hugs to you as you move through the painful memories this week brings.

  • Hugs, Mopsy. I am thinking of you.

  • Mel

    I hope February brings peace and hope to you. You’re in my thoughts.

  • goslyn

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your strength and willingness to share your struggles and grief are truly inspiring. Hang in there. I have not yet had to walk in your shoes, but in my own small way, I am mourning with you.

  • Many hugs Gretchen…you are dearly held in prayer in these coming days.

  • I’m not all religous like most of the people above, but I have definitely been there. I’ve lost multiple pregnancies but two of them were absolutely devastating.

    I know where you are coming from and how hard it is to go through the “anniversaries.” (((HUG)))

  • My thoughts and hugs are with you.

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