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Ermentrude Cornitzer for President

Naming another human isn’t easy. I envy those who know exactly what their child’s name is long before they are born or adopted. Personally, I must see the baby before I fill out the birth certificate. I need to make sure the baby looks like his or her name. We go to the hospital armed with a mental list of several names, trusting the right name will jump at the opportunity of representing our kiddo on a Kindergarten nametag or on the door of their Supreme Court office.

Because we don’t know the gender of our baby, we have to come up with far more name possibilities than ever before (we knew the genders of the other five kids). Inspiration comes from odd places.

After watching a DVD, we read the credits—not because we care who the key grip’s second assistant’s lawyer is—but because it is a treasure trove of names. In church we look through the Bible for names and point them out to each other when we should be listening. Joel was named using this method. Names from songs, names of favorite fictional characters, family names—I mentally rifle through them all, discarding most, shrugging at a few, embracing one or two. Recently, I’ve discovered a new source of potential baby names.

My spam email inbox.

Here is a sampling of names I’ve collected. Feel free to use any for your naming needs:

Dionysos Mccreary
Boudreaux Neil
Neely Madison
Kunibert Hudson
Arvo Ryan
Gonzola Ledford
Elvia Shearer
Herminia Flood
Sandford Meek
Petah Maldonado
Rufus Weston
Earle Gunn
Melba Sylvester
Newton Stephenson
Cyriaca Lain
Alphonso Nix
Orpha Arent
Ola Kraft
Eldredge Dantu
Blondell Katz
Nevil Gawargy
Sibilla Mustar
Reinald York
Redford Twitty
Clywd Askew
Helsa House
Iowerth Cabot
Kissiah Holesinger
Finch Sharp
Leichester Chernetsky
Dickens Luis
Myrtie Butvich
Ermentrude Cornitzer
Voss Crocker
Baxy Douglas
and my current favorite: Crump Gordon.

Of course you may not want to name your child or goldfish after peddlers of Viagra or Low! Low! Low! Interest Rate Home Equity Loans.

Some of us? We’re getting desperate.

15 comments to Ermentrude Cornitzer for President

  • I am SO pulling for Boudreaux.

    Oh, and it sounds morbid, but walking around graveyards is another good source of names. Also good exercise.

  • My vote is for Alphonso Nix or Redford Twitty! This internet thing is sure a wealth of information–and names236213!!!

  • Nini

    I personally like Herminia Flood… 🙂 Sounds like the product of a duel english major family.

  • Laura

    Ooh, naming babies is one of my favorite pasttimes. Unfortunately, I rarely get the opportunity to practice. But one of my personal quirks is that when I am bored, I will sit and list name after name in varying handwriting. If you want to see my list, I will share it with you.

  • That is a very funny list – must say I never thought of looking for names in spam! LOL

    I only have had one little one to name and his name I had picked out years before. I knew I was having a boy and we named while in the womb – but I changed his middle name that we had been thinking of after he was born.

    His name is Jackson and I just love it! But now at four, he is insisting that he wants to be “Jack”. I much prefer jackson. hopefully it will be a phase for him and over the years the majority of people will call him Jackson. But oh well. whatever…

    Nice to meet you – I hopped over here from your comment on Owlhaven.

  • Wow. Those are some interesting names. I’ll be sure to hop over here and see what you guys decide on!!

    (We haven’t decided on any names yet either….)

  • edj

    These are gorgeous names!! Redford Twitty? You can’t get much more classic than that! Or Dickins Luis–it’s sort of ethnic and classic at the same time! Leichester Chernetsky is a fine blend of English and Russian. I find myself really hoping you use one of these names!
    Naming children is so fun it made me want to have more just for that part! Of course, my husband and I have diametrically opposed choices, which made it interesting. I will pass on to you his all-time favorite name, which I am not making up. I told him the only way our son would have this name would be if I died in childbirth, which didn’t happen (twice) so obviously it wasn’t meant to be. It is Linus. He loves this name. Please use it; you will make him happy.
    Of course, I still think your shy one is a girl, in which case I recommend Elizabeth as the perfect name (unless you already have one with this name; I’m quite new to your blog). Coincidentally, this is my name. It is perfect as there are so many derivatives of this name (from Liz to Ellie to Beth to Libby, etc) that she can be whatever she wants when she grows up–from Queen to gardener. Plus it has a great meaning!

  • I’d go for Gonzola Ledford, because Gonzola sounds like the cheese Gorgonzola and I’m a hungr monster…

    …or Kissiah Holesinger because it sounds like fun kissing all the time 😉

  • How funny- we always watch the end credits after the movie for name ideas, too- and the Bible always, too. I have a book 50,001 Baby Names and we couldn’t find ONE in there that fit!

  • L-E-X-I-E (I was born in Denver, too. :))

  • Good luck with chosing that name!!

  • I was also going to suggest cemeteries. Family trees are good too. But spam! Brilliant. Sandford Meek? That’s got Pulitzer Prize written all over it.

  • When we were picking baby names, we looked through the books for something Celtic. Somehow, we felt compelled to pass up Obharnait, Raghnailt, Scolaighe and a few others that sounded more like bodily functions than names.

  • When I was pregnant with Peter, DH wanted to name him “Thor.” Feel free to use it. 🙂

    I love your list. I personally like Clywd Askew. How the heck do you even pronounce that?

  • So the fear here is…if you use one of those names will your child be doomed to life as a SPAMMER??? LOL

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