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Blue in the face

One of my Christmas gifts from my husband was a very nice handsfree bluetooth speakerphone for my car. He rightfully hates my inclination to chit-chat whilst rambling around avenue and boulevard. Being hands-free meant I could at least stop holding my coffee cup in my cleavage.

A few days after Christmas, I sat down to program the voice-command feature. I followed the directions carefully. Push this, say that, hit this button, smooth success. I clipped the unit on the sun visor.

After the first few attempted uses, I realized the instructions left out a critically important bit of advice.

When vocally recording the names of people you may want to call while driving, make sure to have your toddler daughter sit three feet behind you and shriek “McDONALD’S! McDONALD’S!” That way, when you hit the little green button to coo, “Call mom and dad” it will actually call them.

Archie wasn’t born when I programmed the unit. Otherwise, I could have had him wail and simper during the command to call hubby’s work. I wish I had the foresight to have the boys stage an argument over the true owner of quarter on the floor while ordering a call to the school.

Because I recorded my call list in a rare moment of tranquility, 90% of the calls fail on the first try.

Sometimes, even if the kids are relatively quiet, I still have to remember to match the tone, cadence, and temper of my voice to what it must have been that serene winter morn when all was right with the world and a smile resided in my words like a fat, downy bespeckled bunny resides in an enchanted deep forest cottage.

There is a massive difference between a lilting …call hubby’s cell… and arrrrg! call grrrrr HUBBY’s CELLGRRRRowl!

Consequently, I’ve learned to pull it together and phone all friendly-like. My hands-free device is like a therapist who helps me tone it down when things get hectic between 80th and 81st streets.

I could solve all these problems by stopping the practice of making and receiving calls while driving. That’s the obvious and safe solution to the noise problem. I’m working on it, really.

One more thing. It’s my quarter.

11 comments to Blue in the face

  • jean

    You know, now that you mentioned it, this explains why I thought my old cell phone was broken. Ha.

  • I love the last line.

    Kristin’s last blog post..A Day Late, Is A Month in Blog Terms

  • Okay…

    a. you are too funny.

    b. I loathe voice activated dialing. because for some reason I always use this sweet, mousy voice which is not normal and I can never recreate.

    c. honestly you nailed by stating “I could solve all these problems by stopping the practice of making and receiving calls while driving. That’s the obvious and safe solution to the noise problem.” please let me know when you have succeeded as I am sure it will be motivating for me 🙂

    courtney from mommie blogs’s last blog post..squeaky clean…

  • I gave up on Bluetooth long ago because of this very problem! I ended up yelling at my phone for more time than it would have taken me to dial the doggone thing.

    And I honestly can’t understand how people could drive w/o being on the phone. I don’t talk on my cell phone all the time, but when I do I sure get a lot done during my drive!

    Shayne’s last blog post..My Favorite…Slippers

  • edj

    Hehe. We had one of those last year when we were in the US (a friend hated it and gave us his) and it was so funny. It would mispronounce all the names and wouldn’t dial at least half the time.

  • Oh my gosh. This cracks me up. Sigh.


    Adventures In Babywearing’s last blog post..Recaptured

  • What? You and your kids don’t peacefully sing Kumbaya as you run errands around town?

    Us either.

    This was a riot. I’m glad your suburban sounds like my van.

    Heth’s last blog post..Blossoms- If Only They Could Last All Summer

  • Oh, I new it was your quater when yousaid they were arguing about it.

    I have wondered how well those things work. I think I am the only person left without one. I don’t even have a phone I can use one with. How sad.

    Cyndi’s last blog post..

  • I’m still laughing about the fat bunny cottage voice. Heh!

    Beck’s last blog post..STORM!

  • ann

    Hilarious! I don’t have a hands-free device, I really should get one because I talk on the phone more when I’m in the car than at home. I don’t know if I get bored or restless or what. Nothing to do but sit and drive, I feel like I need to call someone. Your post reminds me of when I try to order food at a drive-thru, all three kids barking out what they want while I’m trying to place an order. The poor drive-thru person gets so confused.

    ann’s last blog post..Thank You

  • The mental image of having cleavage large enough to securely hold a coffee cup is making it hard for me to even comprehend the rest of the post. BWAH!

    Minnesotamom’s last blog post..Adoption Fraud

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