The Rocky Mountain News prints David Letterman’s Top Ten List in every morning’s paper. It is usually a few days behind the broadcast of the list. I am a big fan of David Letterman.
The list in yesterday’s paper was particularly interesting (a few of the lines made me laugh out loud). I imagine it was inspired by the birth of the Duggar’s 16th child. I have nothing to say about the Duggars, other than congratulations. A new baby is someone to celebrate and welcome, never to be mocked. Mocking the mother mocks the baby.
Anyway, here’s the list with my mother-of-five-styled responses in red:
The Top Ten Signs You Have Too Many Kids
10. Kids sleep in bunk beds, sit on bunk sofas.
Actually, they sit on the floor. And kids love bunk beds and anything double-deckered, so a bunk sofa would be perfect. Are you listening, La Z Boy?
9. Any movie you take kids to instantly becomes No. 1 film in the country.
We took the kids to see Wallace and Gromit’s Curse of the Were-Rabbit on opening weekend. It was Number One at the box office. You’re welcome, Aardman animation and Dreamworks studios.
8. You’re spending $7.3 million a year in allowance.
No, we spend $7.3 million on Tide with Bleach and Pepperidge Farm products.
7. Family wiffle ball game has larger attendance than Devil Rays games.
Total Tampa Bay Devil Rays attendance for 2005 was a little over 1 million (I looked it up). That’s pretty bad, but what do you expect when you have the lowest payroll in MLB? I’m just sayin’. Injuries took their toll, too, with Townsend’s torn elbow ligament. If former Rockie Joe Girardi moves to Tampa Bay from his position as Yankee’s bench coach, things could look sunnier for 2006. Oh, yeah, something about Wiffle Ball. We don’t play.
6. A Gap for Kids just opened in your living room.
Ugh. I am so tired of their employees using our phone to arrange after-work dog park meetups/parking their VW convertible Beetles in our driveway/ignoring me.
5. In speech on Global Warming, Al Gore holds up your gas bill.
I thought that destitute guy rifling through our garbage looked familiar.
4. A kid says, “I love you,” and you say, “And you are…”
“…my precious child.”
3. Locals refer to you as “that couple that’s always doin’ it.”
Yes, we are always doin’ laundry, doin’ the dishes, doin’ our kids’ homework, doin’ the yardwork…
2. FEMA is airlifting Cheerios and Barney videos to your home.
They say they will come, but we are still waiting.
1. Neighbors take up a collection to buy you a vasectomy.
The people who live diagonally in back of our house have seven kids. I think they put in a new pool with their money. We don’t have room for a pool, so when the neighbors present us with a nice check to get fixed, we will tell them thanks, but we are not broken. Maybe I will use the money collected to buy a shirt for one of the kids from the Gap in our living room.
Approximately a year ago, I discovered Jones Soda Holiday Packs. I made quite a mission out of finding them, but it did not work out. They were produced in a very limited quantity. I turned to ebay, but was astonished at what they were selling for—over $100 for a pack of five sodas by the end of the frenzy.