Lifenut

She as imaginary

Her name is Golden. She has blue hair, blue eyes, and wears pink lipstick.

She lives elsewhere with a mother and a father but she comes over often for sleepovers and doll dancing with Beatrix.

Sometimes, our phone rings and Beatrix is sure it is Golden on the other end. She is sorely disappointed when it is not for her. It’s never for her. She is only 3.

Golden is also 3, but attends kindergarten. Golden reads books which she carries in her backpack. Golden has her own iPhone, Beatrix tells me proudly.

I wish I could text Golden to ask if she could help clean Beatrix’s room the next time she comes over.

I asked Beatrix where she met Golden. She doesn’t know. Golden showed up one day. There were no moments when Beatrix heard a strange voice, turned, and saw her leaning against a streetlamp at dusk.

Golden likes lollipops and stickers and her cute baby brother. She enjoys Happy Meals with chicken, pandas and singing along to the Wiggles song about the sleepy teddy bear. Golden advises Beatrix to wear an old ballet skirt to bed, paired with a t-shirt featuring a husky.

Funny how these girls are so much alike.

Beatrix’s breathless soliloquies about the life and times of her special friend won’t last forever.

Golden is already legend. I am forced to imagine her because Beatrix has built her with words. This is quite an accomplishment and a good study in character.

In a bizarre roundabout way, she is my imaginary friend, too.

She would chose the strawberry shampoo at bathtime and cinnamon-sugar sprinkled on her waffle.

She has a dimple on her left cheek. I just know it.

Transcript

Day One, 7:30 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hi! This is Gretchen Lifenut, Ryley Lifenut’s mom. He is in Mrs. Goodteacher’s second-grade class. He won’t be at school today due to a fever and a cough. Hopefully he’ll be better tomorrow. Thank you!”

Day Two, 8:05 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hi! This is Gretchen Lifenut. Ryley Lifenut won’t be at school today. He’s in Mrs. Goodteacher’s class. He still has a fever and a cough, plus a headache. I don’t know if he will be there tomorrow, sorry.”

Day Three, 8:24 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hello. Gretchen Lifenut here. Ryley Lifenut from Mrs. Goodteacher’s class won’t be at school today. I’m going to try to get him in to the doctor. Also Sam Lifenut won’t be at school today. He’s in Mrs. Remindsmeofmythirdgradeteacherwhowasreallystrict’s class. He has a tummyache and a cough. I don’t know how many days he’ll be out. Thanks!”

Day Four, 5:30 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Hi, it’s me. Ryley, uh, Lifenut won’t be there today. Of course. He has pneumonia according to the doctor he saw yesterday afternoon. He’s on antibiotics. Oh, he’s in Mrs. Goodteacher’s class—theoretically. Sam Lifenut is coughing his head off too. Won’t be there. You don’t want him there. Aidan is also sick. She’s in Miss Ryleyhasasecretcrushonher’s class, fourth grade and she too has this fevery coughy thingy going on. When will they be back? Isn’t that the million dollar question? I’m not feeling so well myself. How are you? Oh yeah, sorry, recording.”

Weekend intermission

Day Five, 8:59 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“Sam Lifenut will be there! Yay! This is Gretchen, his mom, by the way. Unfortunately Ryley Lifenut and Aidan Lifenut won’t be joining him. They are still sick. I think I am going to try that Mucinex stuff you see on TV. You know, those commercials where the glob of mucus wearing a tanktop and a combover throws a party for all his mucus globule friends? So gross, but I’ve heard good things about it. One of my fr-” Oops, cutoff by the machine. Redial.

“Me, again. I forgot where I left off? Basically, Aidan and Ryley won’t be there. I hope maybe one or both of them will be there tomorrow. Okay. Thanks. Did I mention this is Gretchen Lifenut?”

Day Six, 6:31 am

“You have reached Neighborhood Elementary School’s attendance line. Please leave a message with your student’s name, class, reason for absence and number of days absent. Thank you.” Beep.

“No, Joel, I won’t put syrup on your Pop Tart. Oh, hi, it’s Gretchen Lifenut again. Aidan from Miss Ryleyhasasecretcrushonher’s class won’t be there. Still with the cough. Says her feet feel funny, too. I’ll call you tomorrow. Or you can call me, if you want. We should have lunch sometime!”

(originally published here February 1, 2007, but still applies)

Blue hair

Beatrix wants to make a Mii of her imaginary friend.