2009 was a caterpillar year.

It just occurred to me my blog isn’t really a diary because there is so much I have never written about certain aspects of 2009—trials, worries, and overwhelming pressures that tear me to my core on some days.

I maintain a happy outward front to most people because that is what I must do. It’s my duty to put one foot in front of the other and grin as though my feet don’t have a dozen blisters dotting my calloused pink skin. So I post pretty pictures and tell inane stories when deep inside, I ache for better times. I know I am far from alone. 2009 has left many people worse off than they were a year ago.

All of this is through no fault of our own. The circumstances that brought us to our knees so many times this year were because of a decision my husband’s employer made back in February that rippled through every corner of our lives. Our marriage has been affected, our relationships with our children, the condition of our house, and small things like the fact I desperately want a haircut but have to put it off for next month, or maybe the next.

We haven’t been idle or let all this wash over us without fighting back. My husband has done everything a sensible, responsible, loving husband and father would do in this situation and that is to work harder than ever. There were times this past summer and fall when the kids would literally go for days without seeing him. He’d leave for work before they were awake and return home after they were in bed. This left me to parent 7 young children virtually alone and it took its toll—on me and on them.

I let discipline slide. Not completely and not crazy out of control—Nobody has taken the van out for a joyride yet, but bedtimes got later and later because dinner was later and later because lunch was later and later because I was too tired to get to the breakfast dishes.

For months, we’ve been told to look forward to January 1st because we’d be restored to where we were before. Not rich, but we could afford to splurge a little here and there. We clutched this date to our chests and talked about what we’d do when the burden was lifted. It was going to be grand in that Meet Me in St. Louis old-fashioned sense. Our heels would kick up and we’d twirl and laugh. End credits. Applause.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No word of rescue, no relief in sight.

I don’t need a telescope to see it coming because it has been perched on the end of my nose for so long. Endure.

So I will endure. We all will.

2009 brought joys and triumphs and blessings, too.

Archie was born.

We drove to California (and back) in July. It was a wonderful trip with many happy memories. I am proud of the way it all worked out, with sandwich lunches at rest stops and inexpensive hotels. The whole trip was blessed.

The kids are doing well. They are busy, getting good grades, and have been honored in various ways. Tommy and Aidan were in the school district’s art fair, Sam was recently in the school’s geography bee. Ryley started a blog and I love to read his thoughts. Joel is thriving in kindergarten. Beatrix has really blossomed into a lovely little girl. There is nothing babyish about her any more. Archie is pure delight.

We’ve always had enough food, clothing, housing, fuel for our cars.

We sacrificed our satellite service, our newspaper, eating out, going to movies (unless we have a gift card), shopping for new clothes.

I’ve embraced $1 rentals, consignment shopping, reading news online, packing school lunches every day, free days at cultural offerings, coupons, and paid focus groups. I’ve give my opinion on stuff and then a nice person hands an envelope stuffed with cash to me. When that new laundry detergent smells great and whitens your whites? You are welcome.

We’ve won stuff in contests we entered. That’s fun. Blogging has given me opportunities to go places and get some cool stuff. I can think of the roller derby, Cirque du Soleil, moms nights out, and a Wii Fit Plus party where I was given…a Wii Fit Plus!

The year ahead will probably feature a lot more of the same. It’s deflating and exhilarating because I know that in the midst of my worries and annoyances, we are truly blessed beyond belief. Crazy blessed. Compared to the rest of the world, our wealth is in-sane.

Yours is, too.

We spent the last day of 2009 at The Wildlife Experience, which is devoted to educating and entertaining families about animals and their habitats. It’s a really nice place. We’ve been there several times through Mile High Mamas opportunities. This time, we were on our own (and admission was taken care of by cultural passes through our library—free!).

The newest exhibit is all about butterflies. It tries to help kids envision what it’s like to be a butterfly. What to eat? Where to live? The process of changing from gruesome caterpillar into lovely, airy, winged being.

Look at my lovely husband. His back aches, his brain aches, his heart aches. He is a good man:

I watched the kids line up and clomp in shoes tied together, meant to simulate how a caterpillar must undulate along to get from leaf to leaf.

They wore wings and climbed on a web. At the end, they held on to great orange wings and travelled on zip lines. They flew.

It takes time to get to that point. It takes peril and lots and lots of plain green leaves to chew through.

Who is to say we aren’t already flying?

I feel lighter already.