1. The Coming Home Outfit: Your baby does not need to be dressed in stiff formal wear for the journey from hospital to home. This seems to be a regional/cultural tradition and I readily admit I do not grasp why it exists.
Put yourself in a newborn’s booties: You are brand new. Your skin is tender and sensitive. You’ve been naked for 9 months, immersed in gorgeous, perfect warmth. The only texture you’ve felt? Smooth, soft, liquid. Suddenly, someone is jamming your body into a crisp powder blue sailor suit or an itchy lace-strewn dress and bonnet? Ouch! Ick! Mercy!
My philosophy: Dress baby in the simplest, softest clean cotton sleeper. It’s okay if it has ducks and junk. The baby won’t be lost in yards of fabric and big bows, and I PROMISE the pictures will still be adorable.
This is Archie when he was dressed and ready to go home.
2. Nursery Decor: It’s fun, it’s cute, it’s harmless. With our first, I commissioned my mom to make a quilt, bumper, and crib skirt in the cutest pastels of 1997. Our little daughter’s little bedroom was a source of pride. Before she was born, I’d visit often and play with her stuff. I’d fold and refold, arrange and rearrange. It was a nest for my bay-bee.
But she didn’t sleep in her room until she was six months old. By then, I had removed the bumper, lowered the mattress, and ditched the quilt because of suffocation hazards. The modern nursery is simply a showcase for style and decorating prowess. I promise babies do not care if the crib sheet is rose or blush. If you have the money and time, go for the splashy nursery—but don’t be surprised or disappointed if it’s rarely used.
90% of unplanned co-sleepers out there have a nursery down the hall. A dusty nursery.
3. Pacifiers: Use silicone rather than rubber. It’s easier to tell when they are dirty, they smell better, and you don’t risk introducing an allergen into your baby’s system.
Also? They are not evil. Some babies simply need to suck and it’s okay to indulge that instinct. I never believed in nipple confusion because babies are smart. My kiddos managed to swap pacifier for me with ease from their first days of life. I don’t think it’s just them.
4. “If It Hurts, You’re Doing it Wrong:” This is the biggest of the bad nursing advice out there. Lactation consultants love to tell you if it hurts, you are doing it wrong. If it doesn’t hurt, you are doing it right. BUT THINK ABOUT IT. A strong little mouth is sucking with all its might on tender, thin skin for hours and hours and hours a day. It will hurt, at first. It’s okay to admit it hurts. You build up a tolerance, baby improves, you improve.
Maybe more women would stick with it longer if they didn’t feel like failures for experiencing very natural pain? To be told pain is a sign of being a nursing doofus is not helpful or encouraging.
This doesn’t mean you should ignore a wonky or unproductive latch. It just means it’s okay to be honest and realistic about the mechanics of pressure, chafing, and gnawing. Those things don’t collide without a bit of the ouchy sometimes. It doesn’t last forever.
5. Stretch Marks Can’t Be Prevented: Unless a cream dives into the very core of your DNA structure and rearranges the strands that control your skin’s elasticity, you are out of luck. Genes are destiny. Stretch marks occur in the deepest layers of skin.
You might be able to minimize the amount of stretch marks you get by not drinking a big bottle of sugary Sunny D every morning at work or gobbling a chili cheese dog every night. Cough. Rapid weight gain is the worst enemy of skin, but even a sensible, slow weight gain can mean looking like a wolf attacked you.
I was initiated into Team Wolf with our first. It came back for a few more swipes the second time around, but it has left me alone ever since.
6. Breast Size as Indication of Nursing Prowess: I worried about this with my first pregnancy, as I was not visited by that particular Good Fairy at birth. In fact, Flora, Fauna, Merriweather, and Dolly all fluttered past my cradle. Naturally, I wondered if my milk supply would reflect what wasn’t nestled in my shirt. But it didn’t matter.
Somehow, they pulled through and were able to feed seven hungry babies for varying lengths of time. I always root for the underdog. If you have underdogs, you can nurse too.
7. Graciously Accept All Offers of Casseroles and Help: Many first-time moms are reluctant to accept visitors in the name of having time and room to bond with the baby. It’s much easier to bond with a baby when you have a tuna casserole on board and a shower taken. Other people can hold your baby for 10 minutes.
I promise the baby won’t fall deeply in love with your neighbor while you are soaping up for the first time in 3 days. If you don’t believe me and think you will handle first-time parenthood with energy and grace, think of this photo. You are about to be scared straight:
I can’t believe it’s been almost 13 years. To be fair to my husband, I looked 1,000% worse. But I had the camera.
8. Get the Belly Cast, but Know Your Grandchildren Will Try to Sell it at a Garage Sale After You Die: I’ve seen some artistically impressive belly casts. The height of the craze was around my 4th pregnancy when it seemed all my fellow pregnant moms were offering up their bellies for plaster posterity. I didn’t get it and still don’t, mostly because I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
It might be kind of fun to pop up a big batch of popcorn for movie night and serve it in mommy’s special bowl.
9. If Your Hospital Bag Has Wheels, You are Taking Too Much: You need clothes to wear home, something soft and cotton for the baby to wear home, a blankie, socks, grooming stuff, a camera. Have someone bring the carseat later. That’s it. All of the above will fit in a backpack. A pillow from home is always nice to have, too.
You do not need a deck of cards, thank you notes, tennis balls, hair dryers, diapers, a big fluffy robe, good pajamas, a DVD player, books, magazines, hand-held games, your own undies, candles, or non-maternity clothes.
You will leave the hospital almost as rotund as you entered the hospital. You’ll be far more tired than you’ve ever been before in your life and you’ll be leaking. Make it easy on yourself by streamlining the stuff. Remember you’ll have to pack it all to take home, plus flowers, balloons, gifts, and hospital freebies.
10. Other Women’s Pregnancies Go By So Quickly. Yours Will Not: Sigh.
