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Ancient History

Hello from Hello Kitty’s Mom

Late last night, the news broke. The internet went wild. Bafflement ensued. The masses learned Hello Kitty is not actually a Felis catus sporting a Redis Hairbowis near her pointy little ear. Many expressed shock and wonderment at the news. Of course Hello Kitty is a cat. She has ears and whiskers! Next, you’ll be telling us that Goofy is not a kangaroo.

It turns out Hello Kitty is a third grader named Kitty White.

As I read about Hello Kitty, it slowly dawned on me. I am the mother of Hello Kitty. Of course, there are a few inconsistencies but the main facts are this:

~ Beatrix is in third grade. So is Hello Kitty.

~ Beatrix’s nickname since birth has been “Kitty Cat” or just “Kitty.” In fact, we call her “Kitty” more than we call her Beatrix sometimes. I wake her up every morning by saying, “Kitty, time to get up Kitty-girl!”

~ Our last name is White, too.

~ Hello Kitty loves apple pie. Beatrix’s favorite food is apples and she even had an apple themed birthday when she was four.

In the spirit of fairness, Beatrix is not a Scorpio and my name is not Mary. Also, we do not live in England. And Beatrix is not a twin. Sure, some of these might point away from my contention, but put these things aside! Don’t we do that all the time when it comes to all kinds of current events? Believe what supports your worldview!

Here is a spate of photos that offer more proof:

Beatrix's first birthday cake  and party had a cat theme in honor of her nickname.

Beatrix’s first birthday cake and party had a cat theme in honor of her nickname.

Her love of Hello Kitty began around age 2.5, quite early. Here is Beatrix's 3rd birthday cake.

Her love of Hello Kitty began around age 2.5, quite early. Here is Beatrix’s 3rd birthday cake.

Beatrix's room is a museum to Hello Kitty and cats.

Beatrix’s room is a museum to Hello Kitty and cats.

Here are a few more Hello Kitty items I collected this morning in about 4 seconds.

Here are a few more Hello Kitty items I collected this morning in about 4 seconds.

See? Third grade.

See? Third grade.

When the kids woke up this morning, I broke the news to them. I was met with blank stares and little reaction. “We know.” I wondered how they were privy to the information before the rest of the world. Of course, it was through a video game. They used to play an Xbox game called Hello Kitty: Roller Rescue back in the day. “We read her bio. She isn’t a cat. She’s a girl.”

I told Beatrix she might actually be Hello Kitty and she simply laughed at me and said “Not even!”

Maybe she’s right. Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth.

How to Make a Fun and Easy Mario and Luigi Cake

Teddy had a very difficult time deciding what kind of cake he wanted for his fourth birthday. He swung from Thomas the Tank Engine to Mario Kart to Oscar the Grouch. He even proposed incorporating all three into a complicated and bizarre cake where trains, Italian plumbers, and grouches live in harmonic world of sugar, buttercream, and a complicated set of tunnels for travel. I told him I was not able to grant that wish. I’m a mortal mommy.

Finally, I made the executive decision to make a Nintendo cake. He adores Mario Kart and the family of characters. I had an idea for a cake that would be very simple and hopefully super fun.


It was easy to assemble. I ordered the six Nintendo figurines from Amazon. The set includes Mario, Luigi, Donkey Kong, Yoshi, Toad, and Princess Peach. They are solid plastic and could be fun toys after the birthday was over.

I baked two 9-inch rounds of strawberry cake, then frosted it with a typical buttercream frosting. To make the platform Mario, Luigi, and Donkey Kong are standing on, I frosted a single raised donut and put it on top of the cake.

The gold coins were purchased from a candy store. They were tall enough to surround the donut. I opened the foil a tiny bit and slid a toothpick inside, then resealed the foil. I stuck the toothpicks in the cake around the frosted donut.


Then, I arranged the Nintendo figurines where I thought they’d look cute, putting his favorites on top in a place of honor. They were heavy, so I had to press them into the thankfully-thick bed of frosting. If you make the cake, make sure you have plenty of frosting so they don’t tip over. I put the cake in the refrigerator so the frosting would harden and took it out right before we sang.


Teddy was thrilled with his cake! He loved it and so did the other kids.

Routine Leaves a Message on My Voicemail

I thought you’d pick up the phone? It’s been months. Anyway, uh, I guess I have a few things to say to you.

First, I miss you! Remember when we used to make your bed together? I thought that new coverlet thing and the weird pillow you found at Goodwill would spice things up between us. Yeah, the pillow tips over. Who cares? Then, your husband read something in a magazine about how it’s actually healthier to leave beds unmade because sunlight and air kills microscopic creepers? Can I be frank with you? It’s just a handy excuse. I will be over to make your bed with you tomorrow.

Second, school started a week and a half ago. You used to run into my arms on the first day and wrestle me to the ground. Oh, how we got things done! The meals, planned. Laundry in beauteous bouncy piles! Pretty desserts! Playground rotations with the little ones! You seem to still be stuck in summer a bit. Hey, I can’t get completely mad. Technically, there is still a month of summer. Sunshine and hot weather don’t make you want to think about all those mittens in the basement that need to be sorted, or fall clothes, or driving to Goodwill with bags to donate. Hey, while you’re there, check out the throw pillows.

You can’t stay away from me much longer. Already, you are driving the same route multiple times a day, passing the same fences, trees, ceramic birdbaths, speed traps, potholes, the Starbucks drive thru. I’m your backseat driver. I’m in the rearview mirror dancing along to the music.

I get that you’ll want to dropkick me to Brazil around mid-April. That’s cool. I need a break from you, too.


Anyway, call me back. Better yet, I’m just going to show up. You’ll be so glad I did.